How to Reconnect with Your Husband

By September 19, 2012General

Our oldest was about 18 months old, and the weariness of motherhood had caught up with me. For the first year, being a mom had been pretty fun—just tiring. Somewhere along the lines I had allowed my fatigue settle into irritability, discontentment, and frustration. Eventually all those emotions surfaced . . . directed at my husband.

He. Could. Do. Nothing. Right.

It got to the point where I just didn’t even want to be around him. I really had no specific reason why, I just didn’t like him very much.

Honestly, it was a bit frightening.

The Need to Escape

We decided we needed a getaway—our first since becoming parents. We booked a short cruise (subsidized by my parents!), drove down to Florida to drop off Kenneth at my awesome in-laws, and kept driving to Miami.

I was looking forward to the restful time, but nervous about spending four days with my husband—all by ourselves—with nothing to do. I had nothing to plan, no diapers to change, no meals to make or playdates to run off to.

I quickly found out that I did still like my husband (whew!) My irritability melted away as we slept (facilitated by the interior cabin we had with no windows) until we felt like getting up, watched hours of stupid movies, enjoyed the views from the ship’s deck, and really did a whole-lot-of-nothing.

Well, I guess we did eat a lot!

The Importance of Getting Away

Through our sweet time of reconnecting, I saw what I already knew deep inside: I had no good reason to be upset with him, I just wanted a reason to complain.

I was in need of a clear head to see, once again, that he is a wonderful man.

It is hard to get away, I get it. But, ladies this needs to be a priority. The demands of motherhood will take away from your relationship with your husband, without great intentionality otherwise.

I feel like I need to say that one again . . .

How to Reconnect with Your Husband

Here are a few ways to get some needed, undistracted alone time with the hubbie.

  • Grab a quick overnight away. Check out Priceline or Hotwire for great deals on nearby hotels.
  • Schedule regular date nights. Even one every few months can do a lot of good!
  • Find a TV show on Netflix and schedule some mini watching-marathons together.
  • Try to exercise together.
  • Plan something big. This will take some planning and financial sacrifice, but it will be worth it.
  • Catch a lunch date together while the kids are at school.

I realize many of these ideas take time, money, and lots of juggling of the kiddos, but we need to view our marriage as the most important earthly relationship to invest in, and worth the struggle it takes to get away.

“Date Night” Ideas

I’d love to hear your favorite date night tips! How do you choose to reconnect with your husband? What are some easy, cheap ways you’ve found to get away? What has been the most fruitful “splurge”  you and your husband have enjoyed? I can’t wait to read your ideas, in the comments!

About Katie
Jesus-lover. Pastor’s wife. Mommy of three. Grace-clinger. Truth-speaker. Auburn fan. Longs to equip others to walk with the Lord for a lifetime. Co-author of Savoring Living Water: How to have an effective quiet time and author of Focused15 Bible studies. Creator of Do Not Depart where you can receive encouragement and tools to abide in God’s Word.

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  • So very very glad you posted this!!! It’s taken me years to realise that my Husband is my focus and my children will be blessed by that. They blossom because we are still in love.

  • When our kids were all school age but still too young to be left without a sitter we use to make this deal with them. I would set up a TV and DVD player in one of the upstairs bedrooms. I would get them to put their PJ’s on while I popped them popcorn and made them drinks, then I would get them all settled, and go over the rules “no coming downstairs except for real emergencies ” then I would place a row of quarters on the top stairs and remind them if they came down except for emergencies they lost a quarter. NO ONE ever lost a quarter and my hubby and I got to spend almost 2 hours by ourselves, chatting or watching our own show while cuddled up on the couch. It was a little piece of heaven on earth!

    • Michelle Good says:

      Thanks for the great reminder! Intentional has become my word of the year and I’m trying to be more intentional in all areas of my life. Not perfect (which is what I used to strive for and would burn out), but being mindful of the roles God has entrusted to me.

      I heard a sermon series on the book “Real Marriage” and it had a lot of practical tips in it. The phrase that has stuck with me is that all marriages (and really all relationships for that matter) are either getting “better” or they are getting “bitter”. I used to think coasting was an option, but I have learned that in those season where we thought we were coasting because of the craziness of our lives we were actually growing apart and becoming bitter.

      Anyhoo didn’t mean to jump on my soap box, but this is an area of great passion for me (if you can’t tell. 🙂 )

      Another practical tip…if you don’t have family around like us, find a neighbor or friend with kids and work out a swapping trade for sitting. My neighbor and I are going to swap child care once a month. So my husband and I will get a date night with free child care once a month. I’ll take that!

    • Katie Orr says:

      What a GREAT idea! I think my kids would be very motivated by the line of quarters!

  • Katie says:

    Thank you so much for such an encouraging post! My husband and I have a 10 week old and from the very beginning made a commitment that after our personal relationships with the Lord, our marriage would come first before our son. One of the best things for us has been having a pump for nursing. I know it can’t work for everyone, but it has been such a blessing to be able to have a bottle to give my parents or sisters to feed our baby while my husband and I go out on a short but sweet date to a coffee shop to sit and talk or to a movie or to the beach for a walk! We’re saving up for a few weekends away and the sacrifice to save a little bit every month is so worth it!

    Even though our son is our first baby, we want to prayerfully set patterns now so that down the road when our baby grows up and {Lord willing} we have more babies that our marriage will be continually growing stronger in the Lord.

  • Great post – and great reminder. One thing my husband and I enjoy doing together is hitting the local happy hour – we can dine on wonderful, half priced appetizers and a drink for well under $20! Plenty of time for good conversation and we can still be home in time to put the kids to bed.

  • Sheila Jones says:

    We bought 5 pairs of tickets to the AZ Diamondbacks Baseball games at the beginning of the season, we split up the dates to capture the whole season and our fave rivals.

    With the dates on the tickets, we were able to plan ahead with babysitting and making sure we had coupons/groupons for a fun meal. We have 2 games left and even though they have not had the best season, we have made some great memories, fun pictures and our section even won a sample of laundry detergent 😉 hee heee!

    We are surely going to do it again next season, it was so much fun!

  • Amanda Langworthy says:

    Thank you for posting this. So many times people want to say and put their children BEFORE their husband and that is SOOO wrong! Just yesterday I was stressed with my kids and found myself to be irritated towards my husband. I need to apologize to him for that. We dont have much money so we dont really ever have date nights and with his schedule its hard to do anyway…but we both need to try to make a concerted effort to make time for eachother and reconnect. I am all the time telling him we need to run away together 🙂 haha

  • Kelly says:

    One thing that I love when we do- is taking turns planning our date nights. When it’s his turn he plans something he knows I’ll love. And when it’s my turn, I plan a date all about him and his interests. So it’s a gift and a date in one! We need to get back to this!

  • Amber Dalton says:

    I admit that I put my kids first and I have noticed myself liking my husband less and less. I think some alone time would do us a world of good. The hard part is getting a babysitter for all four of our kids (ages 5 years-3 months). I would love some cheap or free dates we could do with a big, busy family.

  • Christie says:

    For first few years of my son’s life my husband and I were away from our family and the potential help they can be. We never got a break or a date night. Thankfully we found out how to keep our sanity and stay close to each other. We put my son to bed between 6:30-7 each night. He wasn’t much of a napper, but he would fall asleep early. We all needed that. We had 3-4 hours each night to help us stay connected. I don’t think I’d have survived until now without that!

    Oh, and I thankfully didn’t take out my frustrations with my son out on my husband because I needed at least one ally! We needed to stick together on the same side of the battle!

  • Sarah says:

    We have no family in town and so we figured out that it’s gonna cost some money to stay connected– and the date night sitter is worth the money! When we have an infant, we do “date night” at home…. I wear the boys out during the day and they go to bed early, like 7:30-7:45. Then we watch a movie w dessert. Love it! (Still hope to one day spend a night away with the hubby– maybe fly my Mama down)

  • Really enjoy your suggestions Katie! Funny I just commented to my husband the other day that we never do anything together. It does take a conscious effort to do something with your spouse that you both enjoy and really connects you at a deeper level. And getting away? Love that! Must make more plans to do just that! Thanks!

  • Ashlee says:

    Thank you for this! My husband and I are getting ready to go on a week-long vacation without our son. This will be the longest we have ever left him and I have had major anxiety the last few days. This made me realize that what we are doing is good for us and for him and we so desperately need it!

  • Sarah Raby says:

    We have a standing date on Tuesday nights each week when we drop our kids off at AWANA. They run around, play games, learn Bible verses and get exhausted while we take walks, eat ice cream, and other various things. It is good to have the time to talk and connect.

  • Beth says:

    This is a great reminder!!! I get mad at my husband when I feel overwhelmed and don’t know what to do with my stress. We were great about date nights before deployments and kids. Recently we moved to a new state, and he went back to school. This means we have no babysitter, friends, or cash. It is actually a neat time in our lives but dates are daunting. We had some starbucks cards left over from birthdays, so about once a week, he walks the dogs and I push the stroller and we walk the seven blocks to starbucks and have our little free breakfast treat on the big outdoor patio. It gives us time to talk on the walk. It distracts the dogs and our 20 month old daughter and we get a small splurge and some time to relax outside our little apartment. This has been a life saver for me. Thank you for the reminder that we are on the same team!!! I married him for a reason, but sometimes I forget to tell him I’m still glad I did.

    • Katie Orr says:

      It is so hard to get away without family in town, but it is so worth it! I like how you have been creative and found consistent time together.

  • Heather says:

    LOVE this post. Thank you Katie for the reminder. We had our “come to Jesus” moment after our 2nd boy was born. After many hard conversations we realized we needed to meet each other on the couch after the boys were in bed. Just take a few minutes to catch up with one another before we each launched into our “projects”. It really helped us stay in constant communication about our concerns…outside of the kiddos. I read a blog post yesterday that encouraged the 2x2x2 rule…a date every 2 wks, night away every 2 months, vacation w/out kids every 2 years! Getting on priceline right now to schedule our night away!! thanks Katie!

  • Sharon says:

    I am definitely guilty of getting bitter towards my husband when I feel overwhelmed. We are expecting in a few months and I am dreading the newborn stage because I remember how hard it was with our first. We have not been making time together a priority at all and I can only imagine it will get worse once we have another babe. I’m thinking we’d better get some good quality time in now and try to make it a habit before she arrives.

  • Naomi says:

    I just read this post whilst lying on a bed next to my hubby in Italy (we live in Australia). We are here (with out kids) because my husband is doing an art project here. I am due to have our 3rd child in Dec and would never have imagined running away to Europe with my husband for 2 weeks this year. But the opportunity to do it came up and we decided it was too good to say no to.

    It really is a blessing from God for our marriage which will in turn bless our children. I was really building up so much resentment towards my husband as the post describes. (My husband read it too and asked “did u write this?”). I wld actually think in my head sometimes, seething at something small he did that I felt affronted by, “I hate you”. Very scary. So good to step out of the daily grind and have fun together and gain a broader perspective on life and our relationship.

    It is a challenge to find that time/fun amidst ordinary life but we will keep trying when we get back.

  • Katie B says:

    We are expecting our second little girl early in December and we’ve never both been away from our 2-year-old overnight at the same time. Reading your post inspired me to surprise my husband with a night away at a nearby beach condo in a few weeks! I don’t have all the details worked out yet, but I’m sure it will be a while before we can do something like this again and I know it will be good for our relationship.

  • Jessie says:

    What a timely post! Praise God! With a kinder, a pre-kinder and a 9 wk old I’m finding myself overwhelmed with the day to day…and wondering why isn’t the hubby stepping up. Busy evenings have kept us from connecting & communicating. We often (though not since baby arrived) would alternate date night in with date night out. We also had really great friends – either substitute grandparents that would watch the kids or we’d swap kid sitting with other friends to keep babysitter costs low. Date night in would often entail hubby watching the kids while I prepared a special romantic dinner for when the kids were in bed. Planning my grocery list tonight…guess what will be on there!

  • AlyssaZ says:

    We have our first baby due beginning of November. Already hubby and I seem at odds: I wanted to set good in motion NOW date nights and etc so it would be easier for us to continue after baby is born. But its near to impossible to get him on the same page.

    Any suggestions for motivating hubby??

  • […] 4. How  to Reconnect With Your Husband: I know that the best gift I can offer my children is a strong marriage, and that means taking time to stay connected with my hubby. Inspired to Action contributing writer Katie Orr shares her story of reconnecting with her husband and tips on how to stay connected. Don’t forget to read the comment section for a great wealth of additional ideas. […]

  • […] 4. How  to Reconnect With Your Husband: I know that the best gift I can offer my children is a strong marriage, and that means taking time to stay connected with my hubby. Inspired to Action contributing writer Katie Orr shares her story of reconnecting with her husband and tips on how to stay connected. Don’t forget to read the comment section for a great wealth of additional ideas. […]

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