I’m Done Being a Good Girl

By September 13, 2011Get Inspired


Emily Freeman will forever hold a special place in my heart because of one sentence she said to me, “When we landed, I just thought, ‘I can’t imagine what Kat must be feeling.'”

It may not sound impressive to you, but let me explain.

::

She got it.

It was one of the most significant moments of my life and I was experiencing it without my husband, my family or anyone I’d known for more than 22 hours.

It’s like getting married with only strangers in attendance. Or having your first baby all by yourself.

I went on the Compassion Bloggers trip to the Philippines with people I’d never met, to the country of the mother I’d never met, to meet family I’d never met.

I mean, I had to force back tears just going through customs.

Here I was, surrounded by sights and sounds I’d dreamed of all my life. I was so concerned about experiencing all of this by myself. We were doing important work with Compassion. There was plenty to occupy everyone’s minds. Who had the time to think about anything else?

Emily did.

As we walked off the jetway into the Manila airport, Emily caught up to me and said, “As we landed, I couldn’t help but wonder what you must be thinking…”

She’d just left her family and flown across the world. She’d only met me a few hours before. Yet she spoke words that meant the world to me.

She got it.

The next night when my family came to the hotel to meet me for the first time, I turned around after hugging all 18 of them, and I saw her ugly crying right along with me. (although her “ugly” cry is quite beautiful.)

She got it.

::

Why am I telling you this? Because if you’ve ever struggled with being (or trying to be) a Good Girl, putting on masks to please everyone and losing yourself in the process, she gets you, too.

And she filled an entire book with her beautiful words of comfort, encouragement and wisdom.

“Emily Freeman is one of those rare writers: profoundly biblical, lyrical, transparent–memorable. Her emancipating words on these pages offer the needed keys to all the good girls longing to take wing–and soar home to God’s heart.”
–Ann Voskamp, New York Times bestselling author of One Thousand Gifts

I didn’t think I was a “good girl” – I mean I’m a good girl, but I don’t think I tend to go to any particular lengths to please people. But as I read Emily’s book, I realized that while I might not try to please people, I do try to not need them.

I’ve been so inspired by her words to allow myself to need people. To need God. I want to live life so large that I can’t do it without His help.

“Good girls” have it all together and don’t need anyone. Needing and helping intertwines us, it makes life rich. So…I’m done with being a good girl.

Giveaway! (Now Closed)

You can get Emily’s book at your local bookstore, on Amazon and right here on Inspired To Action. Emily and her publisher, Revell, have graciously given us 3 copies of her book to give away today!!

How To Win
Leave a comment and tell me I’m not alone on the trying to be strong thing. Do you struggle with the try-hard life?

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Comments

339 Comments

  • Avatar Darlene says:

    I don’t understand Grace. I try to and I think I’m learning. My husband left 3 years ago and I’ve been raising my four on my own. Many people have told me that I am strong and brave. I am neither. I am learning to ask for help. My family will be moving in with another family soon. That will be such a change for me. I am beginning to ask my small church body for help. Well, maybe not actually ask, but I’m at least informing them that I can’t do it alone.

    This post made me want to cry.

    • Avatar k says:

      Darlene, my best friend’s name was Darlene till she moved & I met another named Nancy who is raising her last 2 of 4 alone now .. not strong & brave, but learning strength from Him. He has been gracious in supplying her need since she ended up at a dom violence shelter. It makes me sad (sort of angry) at what her husband gets away with still .. she has a very small church which has helped a lot, as well as her parents. Makes me realize our job is never done! May God show you much mercies new EACH DAY!

  • Avatar Sue says:

    I am a pleaser. Or at least I try to be. Even if it means sacrificing the truth or at least leaving out the ugly details. I also am constantly trying to do it all on my own. I often feel alone and frustrated, but realize it is because I don’t let many people in. Too close = possibility of ugly details. When my daughter was in the hospital it was incredibly difficult because you have no choice but to give up some level of independence and control to others who are more able to care for your loved one. But, I still think I was trying to cover up my worry, my pain, etc. so much of the time. Its exhausting. And not really living with integrity. I’m going to go ahead and buy this book because I feel like I really need it! Thanks for the post and thanks for being a compassionate blogger – what an amazing experience you must have had!

  • Avatar Joyce says:

    Yes, definitely, you are not alone. We need God and we need people.

  • Avatar Erin says:

    Yes, I totally struggle! But, being needy for Jesus is not a bad thing – in fact, that’s exactly where He wants me!
    I’d love to read this book, it sounds great. ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks for the chance to win, Kat! (and thanks Emily for writing this book!)

  • Avatar Kari C. says:

    Being a good girl: I wrap up my identity in that way too often. I pray that the heart of the author and the words that she shares will bless many.

    On a side note, praying for you as you “finish strong” with all the administrative details for the new groups starting this week.

  • Avatar Erica says:

    What a beautiful post -no you most certainly are not alone. I too find myself trying not to need people (and many times even my Savior) -trying to do it all on my own. Praise the Lord for His grace and patience! (came over from passionate homemaking)

  • Avatar LeeAnn says:

    You’re definitely not alone. I think she wrote the book for me. Looks like this is the book I’ve been needing to read for a very long time…

  • Avatar Jennifer says:

    Although it is tough to admit, I do struggle with a deep need to please people; to make others happy; to make them like me. And I also have an issue with relying on people; I am always so worried about inconveniencing others that I often don’t ask for help when I need it most.

    I can’t wait to read Emily’s book.

  • Avatar Heidi says:

    You are definitely not alone! I definitely struggle with being the “Good Girl” that this book is written about. Trying to please others can be crippling!

  • We were just having this conversation about not trying not to “need help from others.” Now that we have moved to Tokyo, my husband is slowly convincing me I can’t do this all on my own. I get it.

  • Avatar Amy Hunt says:

    Oh I sure do! I thought I was *over* this and yet I am humbled to See that I’ll always need God’s Grace to truly overcome.

  • Avatar Kathy says:

    I think I need this book.

  • Avatar Anne says:

    My name means full of grace, and yet living a life full of grace is so very challenging. This post deeply resonated with me, what a beautiful relief to take off the masks and be real.

  • Avatar Marianne says:

    We’re moms, so we have to do everything right, right? But it’s so important for our kids to see how we are imperfect and how we depend on God and each other to love us anyway.

  • Avatar Dara adams says:

    I am trying to hard to do everything on my own. I want to figure out everything on my own. I defiitely need God and other people.

  • Avatar Risserlee says:

    As a compliant first-born who grew up in a household of faith, I have to admit that I’ve spent most of my life in the “pleasing business.” From a purely pragmatic standpoint, it often brought the affirmation and results that I sought. In 1997, I lost the love of my life and daddy to my two sweet girls to a whirlwind of cancer. It was so difficult just to put one foot in front of the other! In the year to follow, it dawned on me that I had become vulnerable and transparent by default, and that God was using my weakness as an opportunity to demonstrate His grace and strength. I don’t want to re-learn this lesson!

  • Avatar Heather says:

    When complaining to my friend yesterday that the Holy Spirit always gives me a “word” for her, but yet He rarely ever gives me one for myself, she reminded me that the Holy Spirit may have a “word” for me, but it may need to come from a friend. You know, perhaps God intends for us to live hard things out with our friends, so they can be there for us when it is hard. He never meant for us to live in isolation, but in community….so why do I retreat when things are hard? I guess, I am trying to be the Good Girl with that darn mask on!!

  • Avatar Jenny says:

    Oh, this post made me cry! Beautiful! ๐Ÿ™‚

    And yes, I try much to hard to please people. I need to stop fearing man, and only fear God. Sigh..one of my “gonna take a lifetime to work through” flaws.

  • Hm. I’d seen that book mentioned elsewhere, but figured it wasn’t one I need to read. I’m not a people pleaser, I’m a “hider”. But when you mentioned not needing others, you got my attention. I have never “needed” anyone. Or never wanted to anyway- I was horribly ashamed when I did. I am just beginning to wonder if that’s the way it should be.
    But maybe I don’t want to know… Needing is so awfully vulnerable. I’d probably argue with the book.
    But… In the physical, walking in the light in a dark place is vulnerable… So too in the spiritual, eh?
    Hm. Round and round I go some more :0)

  • Avatar Erin says:

    Sounds like a wonderful book!

  • Avatar Bridget K says:

    I’m trying to be strong too, but struggle with needing people – I should be able to do it all by myself [since I’m a Big Good Girl]. Would love a copy of this book!

  • Avatar Jenna says:

    This book looks so good! You are definitely not alone in that, Kat!!

  • Avatar Crystal M says:

    A book I’m adding to my growing list! ๐Ÿ™‚ Just call me a strong people pleaser. I would definitely love to hear what Emily has to say in her book!

  • I was a good girl too. Like you, I was adopted. My folks would be mortified to know, but I never felt like I belonged, and I never felt like I was enough. Some terrible things happened, and I started to believe that I could never rely on anybody. I needed to do it all myself. So yeah. I get it. I’d really love to hear what Emily has to say too.

  • Avatar LLMom says:

    I really need this book. I am coming face to face with the fact that I have been wearing masks for so long.

  • Avatar Kelli says:

    I was browsing on Amazon last night and saw this book. I was curious about it but thought nothing else about it until I saw your post this morning. I would love to read it. I struggle with not wanting to ask for help. I know it’s a pride issue for me. I feel like, if I have to ask you for help, then you don’t “get it,” and your help isn’t being offered willingly. I don’t want to be “burden,” so I’ll just struggle on by myself. Really though, it all boils down to pride if I’m honest with myself. I don’t want to show the struggle going on inside of me so often.

  • Avatar Becca says:

    I am very good at being strong. Too good because it does create distance. It’s a lifetime habit I am trying to break this “I am strong and I can handle anything” habit.

  • Avatar Elizabeth K. says:

    I would LOVE to read this book. This comment totally resonates with me: “I realized that while I might not try to please people, I do try to not need them.” I have been labeled “a good girl” for almost my whole life.

  • Avatar Becky says:

    Um, YES. 100%. You are so not alone. I am the classic people-pleaser, doer, and mover and shaker. I so so so often try to ride along on my own coattails instead of trusting in and relying upon the ONLY One who is perfect and trustworthy and whose work is already finished. Praise Him!

  • Avatar Andrea says:

    Oh my do I relate to you and Emily! Trying to please, conform, the whole bit. I’ve made plenty of mistakes throughout the years, but believing grace is for me, now, it’s still hard. But I believe it! Would love to read Emily’s encouraging words in her new book!

  • Avatar MaryBeth says:

    Definitely not alone… I’ve always been “the good girl”. Thanks for bringing this book to my attention.

  • Avatar StephVG says:

    Oh, how I try to be good! The try-hard life? That’s me. Try hard, in my own strength, and fail time and again. And just when I think I’ve finally learned grace, I’ve finally started living in Christ, He takes me deeper, sends me a new task or role, and I learn all over again how much I attempt to do things on my own, thankyouverymuch, because I’m just that good, just that clever…just that weak and just that much of a failure in myself. Living this lesson today with my kids, and need to remember the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, who, though He was rich, for MY sake became poor so that in Him, by His poverty, I might become rich in His grace, His strength, His love, His power. Thanks be to God.

  • Avatar momof3girls says:

    a mom, a wife, a servant of the Lord Jesus Christ…….not the right order but the one most true of how I live. Always busy doing not enough time just be-ing. Being His and letting Him help me be everything else He calls me to be. Im tired of always trying to be a good girl. My efforts and heart reveal only that I am not.

  • Avatar Kelly says:

    I definitely struggle with trying to please, trying to do things in my own strength. Thanks for the giveaway!

  • Avatar jamie says:

    Thanks so much for this reminder!!! I struggle with this daily and I cannot wait to read Emily’s book (I’ve had it pinned on my pinterest board for months now). I recently wrote a post about needing people to approve of me… http://thecreativeimperative.blogspot.com/2011/09/sweet-girl-you-are-so-much-more-than.html This struggle has choked the joy out of my relationship with God in the past. I’m so busy “doing the work of the Lord” and throwing elbows at anyone who tries to help me that I totally miss the point.

  • Avatar Heidi says:

    I am definitely considered a “good girl”. I am also a major people pleaser. And I hate to ask anyone for help or really “need” anyone. I think I really need this book!

  • Avatar Jacquie says:

    In some areas, I have no problem asking for help, while in others, I definitely try to “be strong” and I can totally neglect to let others into my life. I know that I am also a big people-pleaser, so I’m sure this book could be a good one for me! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Avatar Ginny says:

    “I do try not to need people”–wow, what a great description of me! Just heard an interesting take on that, though, last week: think about the woman you know who (you think) has it all together and needs no one. She’s also probably not the person you’d ever really want to be around or be close to. So, the thing I try to be…would, if I ever got there, isolate me from those I love the most!

  • I have only started to grasp grace in the past year and a half. It’s SO BIG!

  • Avatar Anita727 says:

    Hmmm … never before saw a relationship between my need to please others / fear of rejection and trying to not need others… would love to read what she has to say about that. Isn’t it wonderful how God stretches and grows us … !?

  • Avatar Christy N. says:

    I’m kind of the queen of not having it all together but there is still that twinge of shame when other people (not just good girls, better girls) see my failures. The older I get the more I’ve just decided that the relationship or ministry is more imporant than the illusion I created and my response to my failures may be an important gift I can give them. Still, it’s hard!

  • Avatar Lisa says:

    I watched the video about this book and cried all the way through, realizing that what I was hearing was so true for me. Can’t wait to read this book!

  • Avatar Tatiana says:

    I do that all the time. My mom will call and ask ‘do you need me to come over and help with the kids” and I’ll say “No mom, I’m ok, thanks” as I fight back tears and peal myself away from the stop in the hallway where I was watching (pleading) for her car to pull up. ๐Ÿ™ I just did this yesterday

  • Avatar Melina Bryan says:

    I definitely can relate! I don’t have friends or family nearby, so I have gotten used to doing it all myself. It becomes so “normal” to do it all on your own that it is hard to make new friends and let people in.

  • Avatar Jennifer says:

    I’m with you. I’m not a people pleaser either, but I always pride myself on being resourceful – not needing help from anyone. I’m tired of it all as well. This book may be just what I need.

  • Avatar Tiffany Brown says:

    I to struggle with this daily and let me tell you as I am sitting here in tears over trying to get Cubbie room ready, lessons done for Cubbies, Sunday School lessons, and MOPS stuff and all the time I am so trying to make everyone believe I have it all together that some how I am able to be super woman and I don’t need help from anything or anyone and all the time I am scream on the inside for someone to help me. I try to hard to please everyone and I really need to work on that. Thank you for this wonderful book I will have to check it out :~)

  • Avatar Danielle says:

    I am a pleaser and performer. At the same time, I’m very independent, and tend to shut people out. My entire life has been spent doing the “right” thing…for everyone else, but not me. What do I really want? Well, it doesn’t matter because it’s not good for all these people. I’m only one person. I can deal with my choice because everyone else is going to be happy about it. My life is spent putting on a show. I go to great lengths to make people think my life and relationships are wonderful, and they believe it, with the exception of a few of my closest friends who know the truth. At 32 years old, I feel like I have never done what I wanted to do, and I’m stuck in situations because of choices I made for others. Dealing with the realization of all this has been the main focus of my life for the past few weeks. I think this book sounds like it would be an awesome resource for me right now. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Wow really? Needing people is something I should be doing? Guess I need to read this book after all. I’m not a people pleaser but I sure do try to be self-sufficient…which I know makes it hard to depend fully on God.

  • Avatar Rachel says:

    I was about to leave a comment, and then I said, “No, I don’t need this book… Let someone else have it. I can battle this on my own.” HA!

    As you can tell, I hate needing people, and I love pleasing them. But really it ends up keeping me from being close to people. My niceness, my giving, is so often just pride in disguise. I long to lay this burden down at Jesus’ feet. I do need this book.

  • You’re not alone. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’d love to read Emily’s book!

  • Avatar Carla says:

    It has been a long time since something has spoken so directly to my soul! “I realized that while I might not try to please people, I do try to not need them.” I think this is something most mothers struggle with…the guilt of not being able to have it all together like “everyone else does.” If only we learned to be more open our vulnerabilities and admitted we couldn’t do it on our own. I also beleive God doesnt want us to! Thanks for being a God send at this moment in my life.

  • Avatar Kari says:

    definitely try too hard. I think that’s why God has used a lot of recent issues to bring me to the end of me. But too often, I’m right back to the try it on my own.

  • Avatar Jaime B says:

    I have always struggled with needing people. I’m not very good at it and know I suffer for it. I’d love this book!

  • Avatar Anne says:

    Oh goodness. I was raised in a try-harder home. If my parents were proud of my accomplishments, I never knew it, as my best was never good enough. I and my siblings were always expected to do better…to be the best. I bought into that mentality 100%. And that has been a difficult thought-process to overcome. I am so grateful for Grace. I’m grateful for a Father who sees me for me and loves me the same, regardless of whether I have done my best or my worst. I am so, so thankful.

  • Avatar Kristin says:

    Wow…I want to order the book right now! I can definitely relate to this idea, this “pull” we feel to have it together, to please others, to be a “good girl.” And yet after reading your words this morning, it becomes evident how freeing it would be to live in God’s grace…and really understand what that means!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Avatar Michelle says:

    Grace is a mystery to me…as is overcoming sin. I would love to understand this better

  • Avatar Vanessa S. says:

    I know that feeling. I’ve been dealing with some serious family problems, and I’ve completed isolated myself, because I couldn’t dare let anyone see that I am not “perfect”, that I don’t have everything together all the time. It’s a lonely way to live. I’ve finally started reaching out to support groups, and what a blessing it is! I’m humbling myself to awareness. I am finally aware that without God I’m nothing, and the facade I use to live was an empty illusion. I might not look as good anymore, but my heart is peaceful. I’d love to get this book! I loved your story!

  • Avatar Aldara says:

    This books seems to be written for me. I am an extreme good girl to the point where I am not sure if anybody knows who I am or how I truly feel since all I want to do is make everyone else happy.

  • Avatar Kristie says:

    Oh my. The more I see and read about this book, the more I know I need to read it. I am always trying to be the “good girl” — to do the right thing and be the one who helps out….not the one who NEEDS help.

  • Avatar Niki says:

    So refreshing to have a reminder that its not just me who struggles with people pleasing…

    Excited to see what this book has in store for my heart!

  • Avatar Judy says:

    Even as I change in my role as daughter to my mother becoming caregiver to her – I realize how hard I have tried my whole life to please her. I am a strong woman – most of time – but this relationship can reduce me in the blink of any eye. God is so much bigger and has more Grace than I can even imagine. I want to readily accept it from him all the time and be able to even more readily give it to others. Thanks for the chance to win this book.

  • Avatar Rebecca says:

    You are not alone. I struggle with this too & it’s something that’s been on my heart lately.

  • Avatar Melanie says:

    YES. I am crying just reading the description! I know God loves the world, but I feel like I have to be “good enough” for Him to love me… but I know in my mind that is not true… my heart just has a hard time catching up.

  • Avatar Elizabeth says:

    I’m right there. Tears as I read this. This will be going on my birthday wish list… if I can wait that long. It sounds like something I desperately need to be encouraged by. Thank you for sharing.

  • Avatar Kelli says:

    This book sounds awesome. You are not alone!

  • Avatar Elizabeth Runyan says:

    I can soooo totally relate. I have roughly 7 masks that I wear. I am a Good girl, but I try to please everyone without depending on them for anything. I have been trying to conquer this problem on my own for several years and just this last weekend, I figured out that I can’t conquer this without God’s help. I feel that you chose to blog about this because God knows that this book will help me.

  • Avatar ayelen says:

    this could not come at a better time. I just moved away from my family and my childhood friends, and while I am not really a people pleaser I have always poured myself whole-heartedly into all the relationships I’ve had. Finding myself so far away from all my loved ones, I have started to try and convince myself that I dont need anyone. It’s been a struggle to try and keep it together.

  • Avatar Jaime says:

    I’m such a people pleaser and have lately been struggling to change. I’d love to read this book.

  • Avatar Natalie says:

    You are not alone! I know that I struggle (my husband drives truck and we hardly see him so I’m home with 2 young ones & a boy who acts out constantly because he misses his Dad) but I’m AWFUL at asking for help. It’s like I’m admitting to being a failure as a mother and yet I know that’s not how it’d be perceived and it’s not true. I need to just accept help when it’s offered – I tried this once in the summer (!) had a friend take my little girl so I only had one child at the dentist with me. It was amazing. I don’t know why we’re so tough on ourselves sometimes. The ironic thing is I’m always helping others, taking their kids so they can do stuff and yet I hate asking them to return the favour.

  • Avatar Amy Booker says:

    A friend linked to this book on Facebook and I read the first chapter online. It definitely resonated with me and I would love to win this so I can read the rest of it.

  • Avatar Rachael says:

    I’ve tried not to need people since I was a child. I’m still struggling with it, but God is forcing me to deal with it in a big way: my husband left me and my daughter 6 months ago and if I don’t need people now, I don’t know when I will! Thank you for sharing.

  • Avatar Cee says:

    I definitely try not to need people. But what I forgot was that God wants us to have relationships with each other & need & rely on each other. That’s the way he designed it. The more I try to ‘guard my heart’ I’ve found that I’ve kind of abused the phrase and I’ve found myself more alone in the process of trying to be good. Sweet story today.

  • Avatar Tricia says:

    I don’t see myself as a pleaser, but tyring not to need people…that’s me! I was raised to be extremely independent and have such a hard time letting go, opening up, and asking for help. I can’t wait to read Emily’s book!

  • Avatar MarySue says:

    I struggle with this all the time, especially around my Christian friends. We’re not supposed to be weak, right? Because Christ is enough, because He supplies all we need. Which He does. And for which I am grateful. But,most days, it’s so hard to remember this, when a friend disappoints us, or the car breaks down, or we can’t find a job and bills are due. Our first inclination, as humans, is to collapse under the pressure and give into emotion. I guess what I struggle with is being an emotional (we were created that way!) human.

  • Avatar Stephenie says:

    I struggle with both pleasing people and not needing them! I think I need to read this book ASAP!

  • Avatar Shaunna says:

    Yes! it can be very challenging to learn to lean on others for help. Not only do you have to make an effort to allow yourself to need others, but they have to adjust to you needing them! Many times people (in my life) feel that “you have it all together”, or “you know how to connect with God” so they think I don’t need a shoulder or a an ear from them. But there are times when we all just need somebody that gets where we are and where we are coming from. I totally feel you in this story. You can be surrounded by people who need you, and lean on you, but who do you lean on? Through these times my dependence on the Lord has truly increased.

  • Avatar Jenn says:

    Yep, I do it too… Try to be the super Mom while my husband is on the road and rarely ask for help when I need it… And I’m always thinking about how not to offend people with my actions and words; over thinking it actually! Drives my husband nuts!

  • Avatar Shalene says:

    More than anything else, motherhood has made me realize that I can’t do it all by myself. I need my husband, I need the support of friends, and I need the grace, forgiveness and provision of our loving heavenly father!

  • Avatar Amber says:

    You are definitely not alone. This sentence NAILED me: “I realized that while I might not try to please people, I do try to not need them.” I am totally convicted. Prayers to our loving God that he will forgive us and set us free–ALL of us “Good Girls.”

  • Avatar Debbie says:

    Always! I come from a strong German heritage…you keep going into your 90’s and never ask for help!!!

  • Avatar Anita says:

    I definitely struggle with this. Always trying to make others happy in spite of how miserable I can sometimes feel and then not even allowing others to help me through it. Thinking I am so alone. Would love this book.

  • Avatar Amy K. says:

    I too try not to need other people. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone else and I feel once I commit to something it is my responsibility and I need to take care of everything on my own. I definitely need to read this book.

  • Avatar Jenny says:

    I struggle all of the time with my need to please people and I’m also constantly pulling away from people and trying not to let anyone see when I am in need. It’s a constant struggle for me, so I’d love to read this book!

  • Avatar Sherree says:

    I would love to win the book for my Alexis. Our second daughter gave us Alexis at birth and then Gabrielle about 3 years later. We adopted both and have always raised them as our own. They have always known who their birth mother was and she always had as much a part of their lives as she wanted. Gabrielle is now 15 and is living with my daughter and her husband (who are her birth parents and just got married, after not being together for most of her life) And this was a great thing for our Gabrielle. So now I have become “Panda”. Our Alexis is now 18 and she is lost. She tries so hard to please everyone to the point of confusion at times. I would love for her to read this book and realize that she needs to be who she is and who she is in God. Thank you so much for the chance to win the book.

  • Avatar Traci says:

    This post brought me to tears as well as the comments by some of the other wonderful people on here.

    I’ve spent most of my life trying to please everyone and make everyone happy and I’ve made quite a few mistakes in my life (more than I care to admit). I have always felt that I’m not a “good” Christian as well and then I got pregnant outside of marriage, even though I was engaged, and married the father, even though if I had admitted it to myself I knew I should’nt have. We were only married for three years, but those years made a lasting impact on my life as he spent the time emotionally, mentally and verbally abusing me as well as cheating on me every chance he got. Even though I knew my marriage was bad, I didn’t want to leave because I didn’t want to be a statistic, I didn’t want people to look at me as if I failed, I believed in my marriage vows and most of all, I was afraid I was disappointing God and that I should reap what I sowed. He lfinally eft me for another woman and my mom told me that God finally took it out of my hands.

    Our daughter has ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) and Anxiety disorder. I have struggled on my own to take care of her and provide for her and for a long time I have dealt with my ex-husband and his new wife telling me her actions and behaviors were all my fault and my parents telling me I was letting her get away with stuff and the guilt I felt over the fact that my daughter was now no longer in a “nuclear” family. Since 2007, my ex-husband has only seen our daughter twice and so not only do she and I struggle to hold it together, I also have no breaks. Because of her issues and the fact that she is now 12 and adding hormones into the mix, its hard to find someone to watch her so that I can go out as she struggles with social issues as well as everything else.

    I find so many days where I feel like I’ve tried so hard to please everyone and that I still let everyone down and most importantly, that I’ve let God down. That I’m not being the mother I should, the daughter I should, the friend I should, the Christian I should and on and on. Some days, I feel like I’m barely hanging on by a thread. But, there are days when I can look at my life and see all the good God has given me despite my mistakes and I know that He loves me no matter what, even if I’m not a “good” girl.

    So, long comment short (very sorry), thank you for this post and my prayers go out to everyone on here and everyone else who read it and feels like I have and do. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Avatar Jessie says:

    Can’t wait to read this book!

  • Avatar Teresa says:

    This sounds like a wonderful read.

  • Avatar Ashley F says:

    You are not alone. I am not really a people pleaser, but I definitely try really hard not to depend on or need others. I have always felt like when those people that you do depend on/need leave you have to be able to take care of yourself, so why even bother. It is also hard to ask for help, like saying you can’t do it alone makes you weak or something. It’s tough.

  • Avatar Annie B says:

    Your post are always right in line with where I’m at. I tell myself that
    I don’t have support so I have to do it all alone, yet I don’t make the effort
    to find support

  • Avatar sarah says:

    Letting go is much harder than controlling everything… Im learning and it hurts.

  • Avatar Chey says:

    As someone brought up with the mentality of not expecting anything from or counting on others…. and then being surrounded most of my life by people who were untrustworthy and undependable and frankly IMPOSSIBLE to please…. this is something I struggle with. I have a dh who is VERY dependable and trustworthy but learning to be lose the facade and to be vulnerable is a difficult feat. Would love to read this book and pass it along to my daughters.

  • Avatar Deborah says:

    You are definitely not alone! I too struggle with thinking that I don’t need help from anyone. I say that I trust God but then proceed to try to figure out what I need to do to “solve” my problems on my own. My emotional world is so internal, only showing the competent, together side of me to the world. I would love to read this book!

  • Avatar Kari says:

    I am struggling with the need for people and also wanting to do this on my own so that others think I have it all together. I DON’T!!! God didn’t intend for us to have it all together on our own. He created us to be the church and to live life together. I am learning this and trying to encourage others to do the same.

  • Avatar MamaT says:

    …Before this last pregnancy, I was a strong independent good girl, from a long line of strong independent good girls.รขโ‚ฌล“I realized that while I might not try to please people, I do try to not need them.รขโ‚ฌย…this is totally me… I was very proud that I could do everything from typical house hold things, to making my scratch made food, to taking care of my children alone (although I have a very involved and supportive husband, I always said I wanted him to help.. not need him…now I now I know… I NEED him), to being able to live and function in the challenges that follow major hurricanes, and just multi tasking. However, my last pregnancy, I couldn’t do it alone…I developed asthma and just plain couldn’t breath… which is really really important… God used my last pregnancy to break down that need to be independent and showed me that we don’t need to see ourselves as weak (I really struggled with this) beings because we need help and encouragement (tears flow freely as I write this). My community rallied behind our family (once I let on how much I was struggling) and gave so much support, more than I would ever allow to flow in before. And because if that, my heart was softened. Through my heart being softened I learned to trust HIM more and be grateful for the blessings HE was pouring over my family through our leaning on our community. So no… I am not the person I was… and I am SOOOO grateful for it!

  • Avatar Shellie says:

    I want to rest in God’s grace and I want my children to grow up in a grace-filled home, but I struggle with attempting to parent in my own strength instead of relying on God for help.

  • Avatar Diane says:

    I so want and need to read this book! It’s amazing how you don’t realize how many people are walking the same kind of paths and struggling with the same problems until we start talking about it. Then we realize we’re all pretty similar.

    I am a pleaser and right now that is putting a strain on my family because I am always there for my parents unlike my sister and two brothers. Sadly, my husband opened up one night about his frustration with how I give so much to others and not to him or our daughter. He said this and it has stuck with me all the time: Your siblings got married and very seldom looked back. You got married and you’re always looking back.

    I have to read this book. If I don’t win it I’m buying it.

    Thank you!!
    Diane

  • Avatar Raquel C. says:

    You are not alone in your struggles…I struggle everyday! Would love to read this book and be able to understand and work on those issues!

  • Avatar Melanie says:

    I have always struggled with the need to be perfect or to have everything all figured out. I real turing point for me was when listening to a sermon and hearing the true meaning of prefection when taken from the Greek or Herbrew root. (I can’t remember which one!) The meaning of perfection was to live out God’s calling to you. To be open to hearing God’s voice and doing what he is calling me to do. Once I realized this life became a lot easier to bear. God doesn’t want us to be perfect. He wants us to be close to Him and rely on Him. Be open.

  • Avatar Cyndi says:

    Well, I guess I need this book. I actually read about it awhile ago and thought exactly what you did – so I didn’t buy it – but then you made the comment “I realized that while I might not try to please people, I do try to not need them.” Whoa, slap in the face, that is me. So, I guess I do need to read this book because I struggle with this. And while it’s seen as a good thing in the “world’s” view I know it’s not God’s view. Thank you.

  • Avatar Shelley says:

    My husband is a minister, and it is so easy & natural for us to help others, yet I find it almost impossible to ask for help, much less accept when someone sees my need and jumps in to help me! It is so much easier (& less vulnerable) for me to give than to receive. Think I might need to order this book. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Avatar val says:

    Definitely want to be able to do life on my own, don’t like asking for help or feeling like I need it more so. Live life under a huge “should’ve /could’ve ” umbrella.

  • Avatar Charlene says:

    I have read Emily’s blog and understand what “Grace for the Good Girl” is all about. And I have learned that “Yes, I am one, too.” . But, I still try to please others or do things that I feel are expected of me. I am slowly learning, because of Emily, that I don’t have to be that girl anymore. It’s exhausting trying to please everyone else. This change won’t be easy….but I know I can do it!

  • Avatar Lacie says:

    I also struggle with these two concepts. But I am beginning to realize that the example I often set for my children is one of independence (and not in a good way) of God and each other. By setting more boundaries in the area of people pleasing it shows them that there are other things that take priority over “serving”, namely God, my husband and them! By opening up in honesty about needing support of family and friends, it shows our kids that it isn’t shameful and is even healthy to ask for help or lean on someone. These are qualities that I’d love my children to learn from me. Lord, help me in this journey!

  • Avatar Maria says:

    I came to this country when I was 15 years old. I came, not because I had to leave my country of birth, but because I wanted to. I wanted to learn English, I wanted to live in America and see what it was like. I came to stay with family, family that I had not seen for 10 years, and although the people I lived with were my family I felt completely alone. Since then, I have grown a lot, I am 32 now, and I have come to realize that I cannot live my life trying to please others, that only makes me unhappy. The people that truly love me will be happy if I am happy no matter what. I try to work on being free of “what would people think/say” every day. Coming to the US at such young age made me realize how much I needed my family, my parents, my siblings, and how much I really did and do love them, and how much I relied (and still do) on God and His love to live at peace with myself every day. I think it is liberating to know that you do need people, that you do need God and his love in your life.
    Needing others in your live helps you open up to the possibilities each day may bring…acknowledging the need for God in our daily lives allows us to open our spirit and let His love surround us and fill us with joy and his promise that He is the friend that never fails…no matter what.

  • Avatar Kristi says:

    I definitely try to be the “good girl.” I sometimes am so motivated by pleasing other people…and it. is. ugly. I would love to be entirely motivated by the love of God instead. And live in His acceptance instead of trying to earn others acceptance.

  • Avatar Aude says:

    All my life I’ve tried to be the “Good Girl” and for so many people around me, I am indeed. But I’ve realized recently that the truth in God’s eyes is quite different. I’m not at all a good girl according to His standards and behind my mask, He sees the real me…and He loves me the same, that’s why He also wants me to change. I desperately need to reach out,to Him first and foremost, and to others as well…Build true relationships in which weaknesses are shared, forgiven and healed, not relationships in which I try the impossible to please others even when it leads me to disregard His heart. But He says that the truth sets free and it’s my hope for me and for each of us!

  • Avatar Kim Edwards says:

    I loved your post as I also feel a need not to need and the truth is, I need others desperately. As I walk this road with my two youngest sons(12 and 13), as a woman who was blessed by them through adoption, I need help. Our four older children are now grown and as a woman in her 50’s I need to be 100% present for them, at a time when most women my age are pursuing their own interests. I wouldn’t change my life for anything, but I am always grateful for friends that “get it”.

  • Avatar Shannon says:

    Wow I am a mom of 3 very young boys. This just reminds me it is OK to ask for help once and a while. I am going to start trying to be less of a good girl

  • Avatar Maggie says:

    Always either convicted or proud that I am an island. Neither is good. Thanks for your insightful words, and to Emily for writing a book I definitely need to read.

  • Avatar becky g says:

    I know that for myself its too easy to “play the game” of saying “the right things” to appear like I am ok. Too often I forget to be REAL with people when I’m struggling and like others have hit on it, its a pride thing, but I know also sometimes when we feel so overwhelmed by things, we don’t even know where to start asking for help. I love that she addresses this in a good and says “its ok!” ๐Ÿ™‚ i would love to read this book!!

  • Avatar Meredith says:

    What a gift Emily has, being able to sense the unspoken need and speak right to the heart.

    I would love to read her book!

    I definitely struggle with the feelings that I SHOULD be able to do it all on my own…. while working full time, while raising two boys, while working an opposite schedule as my husband. . .

  • Avatar crystal says:

    I love the song “Strong Enough” by Matthew west….it reminds me that in my weakness He is strong and he is my strength and my shield. Growing up I was taught to be self reliant and tough. but God is peeling back the layers the “good girl” layers to expose the real me who desperately needs Him and others!!

  • Avatar Jennifer Millett says:

    Every day. When people ask me how I’m doing, my go to answer is, “Fine.” And I so may not be fine. I tell myself I don’t want to be a burden to anyone or that they have way more to concern themselves with than what is going on with me. But the flip side of this is that others think I have it all together and don’t feel they can relate. To be more transparent and able to share with others and need and be needed. What a blessing. I just can’t seem to get there….

  • Avatar Lauri C. says:

    God created us for relationship – with Him and with others. So easy to get rocked and lonely on the journey. Would love to read the book! You girls are gifted communicators!!

  • Avatar Maryruth says:

    I know what you mean about trying not to need God. I had to ‘do it myself.’ I went through a deal of my life trying to be in control of everything. I prayed and read my Bible but there was a part of me who only depended on God when I could not figure things out myself.

    Then God allowed my ability to do things get taken away by chronic illness. Now it is where I have to depend on God to just get through the day.

    Although I have always been a ‘goody two shoes’ it had been pride and ego that kept me going instead of God. The book sounds wonderful. Would love a chance to read it.

  • Avatar Anita says:

    When you have been let down and judged by friends and church family, it is easy to become an island. Once you have been hurt, it is natural to want to keep your needs to yourself because it hurts less to struggle alone than to be rejected. I am trying harder to lean on God because He doesn’t let us down but I sure wish Christians were better at practicing what they preach! I might check out the book .. I wonder if she address this issue?!?

  • You are so not alone. I am all over going out of my way to do whatever I can to help another. Yet I’m often terrible about allowing others to help me. Ya’ know, I don’t want to put them out. Which is just so wrong.

  • Avatar Christie Otts says:

    I soooo want this book! I cried just watching the book promo video. I think all women can relate to this need to keep everything together…like if we don’t do it all, everything will fall apart. I know I feel that way sometimes! Need the Lord’s renewal of my mind!

  • Avatar ~Suzanne says:

    It sounds like this book may have been written just for me;-) Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing…now I know I am not alone!

  • Avatar Cynthia says:

    I so do that, too…would love to read the book!

  • Avatar Noelle says:

    This message is a huge part of what God is teaching me. I am blown away by the way he works.
    I am newly married, we’re about to celebrate our first anniversary, and in that year we have been through so much. Family members on both sides have passed away, others have gotten married, we have both changed jobs, and memories from childhood have been changed forever.
    Just last night at a small group we have been attending for church, someone spoke about how important it is for us to open up to each other and lean each other in this church body that God has given us. And now this post.
    God truly is guiding our way. Thank you for your words this morning.

  • Avatar Andrea says:

    I think I need this book because pleasing people comes so easily to me but pleaseing God does not. Learning to work for His glory rather than my own.

  • Avatar Beth says:

    Always a struggle .

  • Avatar Michelle Elaine says:

    I try to please others at the expense of my immediate family. And, it is wearing me out. I’m exhausted physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

  • Avatar Sarah says:

    I totally understand.. always have a smile, always be upbeat, always care about others, always give to others, always be the good one, ….! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Avatar Laura says:

    I am a loner. I tell others I don’t like people, but yet I can talk to anyone – cashiers, people in the store – perfect strangers. I just have difficulty with friends. I don’t like to express feelings or let my guard down. That is the hard part. People will know I’m not as tough as I appear. That there is a soft side to me. I have a lot of feelings buried deep inside and don’t want them out. I was brought up that crying is for softies. I don’t like to cry, but sometimes I do when I am alone. You are not alone. Thank you for your blogs.

  • Avatar LeeAnn says:

    So true! What’s with this struggle?! It’s so easy to get “caught-up” in trying to please people and trying to do things on our own. Completely the opposite of what God intended and calls us to. Thanks for posting this. It’s encouraging to know we are in this together and not one of us is alone.

    1 Corinthians 10:13
    No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
    (AMEN!!!)

    I’m looking forward to reading her book!

  • You are certainly not alone!
    Just the title when I first heard it hit my heart.
    Yes!
    Gotta get the book.

  • Avatar xinme says:

    I’m so with you, Kat. And I just can’t do it.

    I’d love a copy of Emily’s book. My DD14 needs it, too.

  • Avatar Tammie says:

    I read the comments about trying to please everyone and thought, “I learned that lesson long ago….”, so I probably wouldn’t need the book. Then I read “I do try to not need them.” I may not try to please people but I do try to do everything on my own and not wanting to allow others to help. Two weeks ago I was stranded–ran out of gas, and just hated to “have” to call my pastor who lived nearby! I was so embarrassed! Of course, he was glad to help!

  • Oh, and Kat? I am so very glad to have heard about your meeting your family and receiving all that love that they’d poured out for you in prayers over years. I am so looking forward to THAT in heaven. So glad for you, the blessing! God is GOOD, and I praise him because of you.

  • Avatar Emily S says:

    Trying to do it all, be it all…you’re not alone

  • Avatar Noelle says:

    This post has amazing timing. It has lined up with just what God has been teaching me.
    I am newly married, we are just getting ready to celebrate our first anniversary, and an enormous amount of change has occurred in the last year. Family members on both sides have passed away, others have gotten married, we have both changed jobs, and childhood memories have changed forever. In the midst of all of this change, I am starting to run out of patience and strength to cope. And one of the hardest things is to continue to share this struggle with others.
    Just last night, we were at a small group gathering through our church. The man who led us in prayer last night, spoke about how important it is for us share each other’s burdens and lean on each other to unify this church body that God has blessed us with. And then today this post goes up.
    Thank you for your encouragement this morning. God truly is leading us each day.

  • Avatar Winona says:

    I can so relate…. I spent a lot of years trying to make things ok for my mom, even at the detriment to myself.

  • Avatar Lindsay Hood says:

    I would love to win this book! It seems as though it would go right along with the season the Lord has me in right now. I long to continually step into the grace the Lord is offering, but I know there are times where I miss it and trying to do everything “right”gets the best of me. Whether I win it or not, this will be a book I will read!

  • Avatar Jen says:

    You are SO not alone. It’s a difficult life, this good girl thing. If you fall from the path you should be on the goodness of you goes along with it to an extent- at least it felt like it for me. Now that I am back in a place where I feel like I am truly living by example and doing all I can to be the best me that I can be, I struggle with the times where I chose to not be as “good”. Fighting demons can be a full time job if you let it or let others choose that for you. Instead of fighting to be perfect, accept that Grace is not about perfection it is about allowing others to see your imperfections and you seeing their’s and loving them inspite of it. It makes being good a lot easier to do as well as a lot more rewarding!

  • Avatar Jessica-Lauren says:

    I have struggled my entire life with earning His favor & grace, being good enough, independent enough, untouchable enough, resilient enough. It quenched The Spirit in my life, it robbed me of blessings. Am learning so much now about counting all as grace (thank you Ann voskamp) which means I cannot earn it, keep it, claim it as anything but His. I’m so glad others are journeying too. Here’s to giving up on everything of me and taking on His Goodness & Grace:)

  • Avatar lel says:

    Growing up, I had led myself to believe that I had always been a good girl. I had been obedient to my parents, respectful of elders, friendly to everybody, and always ready to lend a helping hand. All these were done with good intentions. Somewhere along the way, it just left me dry and exhausted realizing that while it is my nature to please others, I have become resentful. Since I have this idea of becoming a Good Girl, I denied myself of expressing how I truly feel. It’s either I want to keep the peace or I’m just afraid that I won’t be accepted. It’s just comforting and liberating to know that no matter what, that I am the Lord’s beloved. And inspite of all my sins and weaknesses, Jesus loves me as I am.

  • Avatar Amanda says:

    It’s overwhelming, trying so hard. With two young boys and a husband with a chronic illness, it’s hard being the strong one all the time, the one with the brave face, the one trying to hold it all together. I would love to read this book, it sounds like some lovely perspective that I could use in my life.

  • Avatar Wanda says:

    Wow, do I relate! Being raised to “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”, not “bothering” others was all I knew. Changing that thought process is difficult but I’m working on it. Sounds like Emily’s book would be very helpful. What a blessing to have her words touch your heart like they did! Thanks for sharing your life with us…

  • I absolutely struggle with this–always have! I need this book!

  • Avatar heather says:

    so i’m crying…not a big surprise. thank you for sharing your heart here again. purchased a copy through amazon and can’t wait for it to arrive. i think she does “get me”. so thankful God gave u Emily on such a life-defining trip. (typing this on my new wireless keyboard…thanks again for all the iPad inspiration…always inspiring!) =)

  • Avatar Jennifer says:

    I have always been a “good girl” but I never feel good enough. I always feel like I am falling short and not doing a good enough job. I need to read this book – thanks for the chance to win ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Avatar Lauren says:

    I try not to need people. I’ve been working on changing this for a couple years now. I imagine I will never be “done’ changing this aspect of my personality, but I refuse to go on living in a state of insanity where I have to control everything all the time. I’ve been vaguely interested in Emily’s book for awhile now, but this post has put it on my must-read list. Thanks.

  • Avatar Jill says:

    You are not alone. It is hard to be strong sometimes. I don’t think being strong means we don’t need people.

  • Avatar Trezlen says:

    I was raised to be obedient bordering on submissive. My mom struggled with depression among other things that as a little girl I did not understand. So, my childhood was an attempt to keep her happy enough so that she wouldn’t blow up at me. I took those childhood lessons with me when I left home, placing everyone in the role of my mercurial mother. It’s only in the past few years, as I approach 40 that I realize that I don’t have to please everyone, that I can’t please everyone. I have to do the things that are right for me. And, I am not responsible for how others respond. Hard lesson to learn, and sometimes hard to follow.

  • Avatar Anne M. says:

    Oh girl, do I even understand about that facade of trying to hold up for EVERYONE else, because when I lose it the whole house collapses. For 6 years I keep getting hit with more and more and more life stuff, all issues with my 3 children, and as soon as I think “it’s OK, I”ve made it through the worst” then I get hit with some more. I am a very strong, independent type. I pride myself on facing all this without losing it (well, almost). I can turn to my friends for a shoulder to cry on and prayers for my family, but they don’t/can’t fully understand what I’m going through. Their kids are all following that track of being normal, healthy kids. There are days when I feel completely alone. There are days when I wonder if I have to wait until I die to receive the kind of care and nurturing I desperately long for.

  • Avatar Dawn Pfahning says:

    I’m going to buy this book for my 23 year old daughter who is the single mother of a 1 yr old son. She is sick right now with strep throat (2nd time this year) because she tries so hard to do it ALL without asking for help. She isn’t much of a reader, but hopefully I can encourage her to read it, or I’ll read it and share with her. Thank you for sharing it with us.

  • Avatar MaryAnn says:

    I have been away from my family (8 older brothers and sisters, in-laws, nieces, nephews, etc) for over two years. Even though I have my own family where we now live, I have never been so alone. God has impressed on my heart to give (not financially, because that would be nearly impossible) of my time and other ways of volunteering. I have yet to do this because, well I’m lazy and embarrassed about that fact. I can easily hide who I am and who I’ve been, and sometimes I’m afraid to show the real me even to the good friends I have. I desire so deeply to reach out to those I can help, teach others about Christ, and show people the REAL me!

  • Avatar Allyson says:

    You are most definitely not alone. I grew up in a very conservative family with very strict rules about what you do and don’t do…which I have always followed. My whole life I have been labeled “the good kid.” However, my spiritual leader growing up, my dad, left my mom a few weeks ago and is having an affair. Trying to have straight A’s in grad school, serving as a leader in church, discipling two international students and all my other “Christian” acts have now been complicated with “trying” to mentor my dad and fix my parents relationship. My whole life has been consumed with putting on a happy face because Christians aren’t supposed to be sad or depressed, but now I’m starting to realize that my acts never make me righteous in God’s eyes, He declares me righteous out of His love and grace. I need to stop trying to fix all the problems around me and give them to Him. I would love to receive this book, especially at this time in my life, to hopefully understand better His grace for me.

  • Avatar Vivien says:

    It’s my birthday today. I am dedicating today to becoming more aware of who I am instead of what others want from me. This book will help in my new mission!

  • Avatar Heidi says:

    My dad expected performance from us when I lived at home and I realize I carry that with me every where I go. I feel I must perform or try harder or do it myself to be any good. Why would God want to use me if I am not performing well in all areas (wife, mama, Christian, sister, housekeeper, school teacher, etc) of my life. I feel like if I am failing somewhere than I can’t do it well anywhere. I think it would be good for me to read Emily’s book. Thanks for the chance to win it.

  • Avatar Jodi says:

    I am always more concerned with what others think of me and there should only be One whom I strive to please. Thanks for the opportunity.

  • Avatar Tami says:

    I am the good girl. I am the lonely one who holds everyones hands and helps them get over stuff… I don’t allow anyone close to me to be that person for me. Sounds like I need this book. ๐Ÿ™‚ please….

  • Avatar Momma Jen says:

    I have 3 kids with special needs because their mom drank while she was pregnant, and another who has taken all the spunk of my oldest 3 and is a STUBBORN 2 year old. My husband and I are both physically limited. I’m pregnant (miraculously) again. And yet, instead of grateful, I’m frazzled. I TRY to be the “perfect mom” with a “clean house & fresh cookies” but I find myself YELLING all the time – patient with no one, especially myself. I’m learning to rely on God to love and be love, but when I fail, I beat myself up. And everyone else becomes the reason. I struggle minute by minute to rely on God’s love. Seriously gotta find this book for me!

  • Avatar Brittany says:

    Oh, yes! I struggle with the try-hard life! I’m trying to get better, but it’s a daily struggle. Thanks for the chance to win the book! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Avatar Hateesha says:

    Wow, your post really hit home to me. I have always been the “good girl” in everyone’s eyes…. the oldest of 4 girls, the role model for every parents kid. This sounds like a book I really need to read. I need Jesus and I need others. A friend once told me, if we don’t let others help us not only is it a form of pride, but it can also stifle them from acting out in their gifting. I never thought I could robe someone of acting in their gifting by trying to do it all on my own. Thank you for being transparent and real. Blessings.

  • Avatar Lori Obregon says:

    I would love to read this book. I wouldn’t have thought of myself as “the good girl” but your post shed some light. Yes, I too have the tendency to live the “try hard” life and try to do everything independently. This sounds like a great read! Thanks for this post : )

  • Avatar Missy says:

    I struggle too with trying to be everything for everyone. It gets wearisome. Thankfully, I serve a God who forgives me for trying to be everyone else’s everything. He wants to be MY everything. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Avatar Julia says:

    I guess being silent and not connecting is a way I try to be strong. But that’s not strength is it? Strength is opening up to pain and growth.

  • Avatar Rebeca says:

    Sounds like a great book!

  • Avatar Kirsten Victor says:

    What an amazing story. I read Emily’s blogs about the Compassion trip and was very moved. I think I need to read her book to see all the ways I try to not need people too.

  • Avatar Susan Byrd says:

    I NEED to read this book.

  • Avatar Lydia says:

    Wow! Thank you for this post. It opened up my eyes to why I struggle with relationships. By trying to be the “good girl” and not on purpose, I protect myself from people. A lot of times it feels so lonely…thank you again and yes you’re not alone.

  • Avatar Shari says:

    “I realized that while I might not try to please people, I do try to not need them.”

    Oh. Yep. This is me. I used to be such a people person, but now have such few friends. My husband is a pastor and I’ve been hurt too many times by the “friends” I thought I had in church and I ended up pulling into myself to protect me and to protect my husband and children. Crazy, huh?

    His,
    Shari

  • Avatar Melissa Campbell says:

    I am such a people pleaser and I would love encouragement on how to care more about pleasing god and not man.

  • Avatar Debbie Rinehart says:

    I would love to read this book. I am such a “good” girl, always the strong one, always answer “I’m fine, how are YOU?” Thanks for the reminder that we shouldn’t try to do it all in our own strength when the unending supply of God’s strength is at our disposal.

  • Avatar Jody says:

    I’m just plain old trying to figure my life out right now. I thought I had it all figured out but here I am at 32 feeling lost. I would love to win this book.

  • Avatar Kelsey says:

    Yes, I do! I think my house, my relationship with God, my work performance, my financial situation all need to be perfect–and I need to do it by myself. It’s a silly, stressful way to live, but freedom, at first, is hard work!

  • Avatar Ann says:

    I was told by a doctor that I am a chronic worrier. I am also a perfectionist. He actually said, “You are always trying to be the “good girl”. This blog spoke to me today. My daughter says I am always trying to make everything perfect- even her. I don’t want her to grow up with that burden. So, I hope I can start to change for me, her, and my family.

  • Avatar Jacqueline B says:

    I don’t work hard at being a good girl. I got the message long ago that I was NOT that girl. And yet, the desire is within and controls me. See, because I am not that good girl, I live in social isolation. I fear people (more than God) and their judgements about how NOT the good girl I am.

  • Avatar Stefanie says:

    what a wonderful post..and true. I am trying to look “strong” in front of others. I am very introverted, don’t want to show my feelings in front of other people that I don’t know well. I appreciate others though sharing their feelings and deepest thoughts in womens bible study for example. Is it right then for me to keep so much to myself? Especially towards fellow believers who can use encouragement even coming from me? Thinking about it, it is selfish of me,isn’t it?Wanting and enjoying others sharing their feelings,thoughts, experiences and hearing about their struggles, identifying with them but yet not “giving back” what I so deeply enjoy receiving? I can not change myself, but I can ask God to change me, help me get an eternal perspective, see that I myself and my selfish perspective is wrong…because..what is my purpose here on earth?What are all us believers here on earth for? -To GLORIFY God. That is the whole purpose of creation..that is what I and we all were made for..I do NOT glorify God in keeping to myself when I have His spirit living in me and could encourage other believers even through sharing my weaknesses and asking for prayer.So why then do I keep to myself? I like to help others with their problems but don’t want to accept their help for me. I think it’s pride that holds me back..just sinful pride. I want God to change my heart on this issue. The book sounds like it would be a very helpful resource on this issue.

  • Avatar Rebecca says:

    I’m always struggling to be strong. And sometimes strong enough to ask for help. As a mother of 4, one of whom is an angel in heaven, the days can be rough sometimes. Especially as my angel’s little sister keeps finding the days that I’m the most sensitive to ask the hardest questions about heaven and why her sister Angela had to go there (she was 3 when she left us). A long complicated story that we tell in bits and pieces as she has grown up (she is now 5) since she was born after Angela’s passing. This is the second year my husband has worked away from home, so even though this year he is home a little more often he is still not here every day. I see something my little one’s do that reminds me of Angela and it can be a very long day if I don’t get it that I don’t have to always be strong.

  • Avatar Julie cleeland says:

    Phew- you shared volumes- things I’ve felt but didn’t know how to put into words… You were able to simply and eloquently share. It feels so good to give, help others and lift up hurting friends, yet it feels so awkward to accept help when it’s my turn. I am denying them of that same blessing that I feel when giving. Time for this girl to also be done being “good” thank you for this offer:)

  • Avatar Mariah says:

    I make to-do after to-do list, trying to get everything done and done right and done on time. Trying to keep every plate spinning and ball in the air. Its exhausting, and I’m not very good at it.

  • Avatar Jen says:

    Wow! Here I thought being self sufficient and not needing others’ help was a good thing, but your post has opened my eyes to why that’s not always the best, especially in my relationship with God.

  • Avatar Betsy says:

    I think from the number of comments on this post just a few short hours after it went up should answer your question for you. You definitely are not alone in the “trying to be strong” thing. Many times I put on the strong mask in order to repress what I am feeling at the time. It makes it convenient that most of the time there are others I “need” to be strong for, allowing me to stomp down my own feelings. It gets to the point where I am afraid that if I ever start crying, I will never be able to stop! I hope I win, even if I dont I can see this book in my future soon. Thanks.

  • Avatar Susan says:

    Whew… I’m doing the ugly cry just reading this! My natural reaction to the question, “do you need help” is, “no, i’ve got it. This short and simple post has opened my eyes and heart. Thank you.

  • Avatar Holly says:

    I love it when Jesus says to me “Stop trying so hard to carry everyone and let me carry you!”

  • Avatar Jesica says:

    You are not alone. God say’s his yoke is easy and his burden is light, so why do we make it so hard trying to do it ALL – all by ourselves. I struggle with this constantly. I would love to win a copy of Emily’s book.

  • Avatar Katrina says:

    Oh, so trying to be the perfect mama, friend, wife, daughter of Christ. And I’m so overwhelmed, I can’t do ANY of it! Kat, thank you for bringing this book to my attention. Tears trickle down as I ponder how much I really DO need people, but am so afraid to ask, to seem weak, to seem needy, to seem strange.

  • Avatar Sarah Wood says:

    Thanks for this book recommendation! I am definitely one of those “good girls”! I can get overwhelmed with trying to please everyone that I forget about who I am in Christ. Looking forward to this book!

  • Avatar Kendra says:

    OH – MY – GOODNESS!!! I can not tell you how much I want to get my hands on this book. I have always worked so hard to have it all together never realizing that asking for help didn’t make me weak. I have learned over the last several years not only how important it is to ask for help but to be aware enough of people that you seek ways to help as well. Thank you so very much for sharing about this and taking the time to inspire others of us to action. =)

  • Avatar Melinda says:

    I struggle most with being holding back from others because I too often end up listening to the lies from Satan that I’m not good enough, nice enough, or that people won’t like me and think I’m weird or strange. This mirage of pretending to be someone else or masking who I really am…I guess I’m not the only one who struggles with those feelings. Would love to hear more of Emily’s words.

  • As a PK I completely understand the need to be a “good girl”. That’s how I was raised, and it’s still hard to escape sometimes!

  • Avatar KristenK\ says:

    I have worked all my life trying to not need people…even God. It was exhausting and fruitless. Slowly I am learning to lean on others.

  • Avatar Jill says:

    I LOVED this post! I am starting a covenant group this week, I told one of the ladies in the group my goal is to cry in front of everybody and be ok with it. I feel like I am always trying to hold every one together. I even have a hard time crying in front of my husband because I don’t want him to think that I am weak. Where did I get this crazy idea??!! I can’t wait to read Emily’s book, I think she may have written just for me!

  • Avatar Michelle says:

    Wow! To not try to be all things not to all people but to those that God has given us to love most!? I am not sure how to separate the two. Try harder, do better… it is exhausting and always a failure, but to extend grace to ourselves??? I have truly never considered it. Thank you.

  • Avatar Christy says:

    Ha, do I struggle with this? You betcha!!! Especially since I just had a baby and am in the midst of figuring out how to take care of 3 kids under the age of 4. I SO want everyone to think I have it all together…when really I just need to learn to ask other moms for help!

  • Avatar Jennie says:

    What grace and beauty, so inspiring! I pray someday I will be strong enough to do what you are doing.

  • Avatar Lauren says:

    I recently became convicted that I care more about what others think of me than I do about making God my audience of One. I sometimes feel like I say things based on what others want me to say – forever changing who I am depending on which people I’m around. This book excites me to read it and be changed!

  • Avatar Trish says:

    You are not alone! I’m struggling with a grown child in college who lives 1000 miles away from me (who moved there to be with her father that she didn’t know growing up and he recently died in an accident). I’m also struggling with two small ones, a 5 year old who has autism and an almost 4 year old who is struggling herself because she is the younger sibling of somebody with autism. It’s not easy but by the Grace of God and all the wonderful resources that I have found, we’re getting through it day by day! Love you blog Kat!

  • Avatar teresa says:

    It is sometimes hard to remember that Grace is all we need when there are so many demands on a women’s life, but it is wonderful to know that there are others out there just waiting to share it with you. I would love to read this book.

  • Avatar Jennifer says:

    I do try to be a “good girl”. I always have. Trying to be perfect and doing the right thing all the time. It is exhausting trying to be that way. I’ve learned recently to let some things go even if it means looking like I don’t have it all together. I know my family suffers when I try to do the good girl thing. Praying God will release me from this and help me to find freedom in just being who He made me to be.

  • Avatar Melissa says:

    Um, yeah, that’s me… the one with the Curse of Competence. You know the kind – good enough at stuff so that people ask you to do more. Which means I’m always being asked to help, and I’m terribly self-conscious about ASKING for help. Doing it on my own is the way I’ve built myself. But that’s not the way God built me, is it? Hmmm… your take on this book is different than what I expected the book to be about (just based on the title). I’m intrigued… I’d like to win… and I’d like to learn…

  • Avatar April says:

    You are not alone. I’ve always been a ‘pleaser’ and as I got older, I realized that this wasn’t how God wanted me to live – I needed to be a God pleaser. I still struggle, but I know God knows my heart!

  • Avatar Julie Sunne says:

    Are there actually women who aren’t pleasers–who don’t guilt-trip themselves over just about everything? I would love to know them, to understand how they overcame the challenge to be “perfecto-mom-and-everything-else.” Knowing God’s heart on the matter is, I’m sure, our number one defense. He loves us as we are not because of what we do!

  • Avatar {shannon} says:

    sometimes i think i’ve worn this mask for so long that i wouldn’t know me if i saw me…

  • Avatar Wendy says:

    I was raised to be a good girl so when I fail at being a good girl then I focus on the fail…instead of focusing on what He wants me to be and do and say. Can’t wait to read the book!

  • Avatar Stephanie says:

    Ack – yes, I have always struggled with being the “good girl” and making sure everything *looks* perfect to the outside world. To saying yes or doing things to make others happy. To feeling competent and strong enough to make it through on my own. Which is why I struggled alone with horrible PPD for 9 months. I couldn’t stand the thought of being real with others and telling them I needed help – I was afraid of being judged, of not looking like I had it all together, of appearing ungrateful or crazy for not being happy after wanting children so much. I still struggle with feeling the need to control and to look like I have it all together. And I wonder if I will ever be able to be real with anyone other than my husband and close family. I admire so much the women in groups I’m involved in who talk so freely, who share openly about struggles, who don’t seem to care or worry at all about what others might think. What freedom!

  • Avatar Jennifer says:

    WOW! This sounds like I book I need, too. Will have to purchase it if my name is not the lucky winner. I often find myself thinking, “Is this how I am supposed to feel?” ” Is this how I am supposed to act, say, think, etc” I am not asking to check my self against God’s word but against others – will I be approved. Trying to shake loose of that bondage – its hard!

  • Avatar Beth says:

    I haven’t ever thought about the importance of letting myself need other people. I know I like to be needed…but you have to be vulnerable to need others and that can be scary. This is great food for thought–I would love to read more of what Emily has to say!

  • Avatar Megan says:

    I can’t even begin to describe where this post found me today… my heart is smiling as I am learning for the first time to finally TRUST in His Grace. I’m 28 years old and have fought tooth and nail each day to be a ‘good girl’, make it, to figure “it” out, to be “good enough” for Him… what foolish thoughts… I get that now. He is all sufficient and apart from Jesus I can do NOTHING on my own. And the greatest beauty I am grasping these past few days…. is that THAT is right where He wants me, to be Nothing simply TRUSTING in Him. That is where this empty jar of clay can finally, once and for all be filled with Him. And what a gift, what a beauitful gift of Grace, that we don’t have to TRY any more. Pure Freedome! He truly does just want us to Rest in His victory. Thank you for the Cross, Thank you for the Cross…. thank you for peace from my own attempts. Praise God for women that “get it” to help the rest of us as we work to grasp these ever powerful, the only powerful concepts of our walks with Him!! This books sounds powerful, would love to read it.

  • Avatar Debora says:

    Oh my goodness. I am so anxious to read this book! I have always struggled with trying to please everyone and be a “good girl”. Thanking Jesus that His love and acceptance are all I need.

  • Avatar Melissa says:

    What a beautiful tribute! I have only met Emily (IRL) once but know that she is one of the most genuine people I have ever met. My inner good girl, ugh..it’s such a struggle. The desire to be understood, to not show weakness…it holds me back and I know that.

  • Avatar Sarah says:

    I am with you, Kat.

  • Avatar Esther says:

    Oh my, yes! What I’ve seen modeled is a need to appear invincible. I’m learning to walk out NOT needing to be like the “perfect” people in my life…

  • Avatar allie says:

    Wow sounds like a neat book! I would like to read it… sounds like me ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Avatar Alyson says:

    I definitely can relate to this book and the post. It’s hard to realize how much any one of us does exactly this, trying to please others while losing our integrity, or at least a small piece of it.

  • Avatar Kristen says:

    It’s only been recently that I have realized just how independently from God and people I try to live. I think I should be able to do it alone, just like everyone else. At the same time, I am such a pleaser. I want people to like me, and I want it badly enough to not speak up and reveal how I really feel about things. It’s such a risk to be yourself. I’m glad to learn I’m not the only one struggling with this!

  • I definitely need help focusing on pleasing God rather than people!!! I must read this book!

  • Avatar Sarah Saffran says:

    This is the exact place that God is working on in my heart. To realize that stripped of anything I THINK I am… I am enough to just be His daughter. to rest in His identity and be authentic in need. to be weak and broken at His feet.

  • Avatar Pamela says:

    Yes! I struggle all the time with this. I try to please people and worry all the time about not being good enough. For my family, taking care of the house, raising my girls. I want to learn how to trust God more and learn how to rest, stop trying so hard!

  • Avatar Laura Luyt says:

    What a gift it was to read this post. I felt like you were speaking directly to me, to my spirit, to the controlling, ‘I can do it all by myself’ parts of me. You got me with the ‘I want to live life so large that I can’t do it without His help.’

    Yes!

    Praise Jesus!

    I do too!

  • Avatar HeatherB says:

    Yes. This. What a relief to know that someone else has put it into words. I have always struggled with the need to please. It doesn’t take long to figure out that there are some people you cannot make happy. There are some people that will not like you. And it’s crushing when you try so hard. I’ve also been guilty of wanting and trying not to need anyone. The latest was my husband…when I was hospitalized. If the tables were turned I would not have left his side, so why did I encourage him to stay home with the boys. Why do we do this to ourselves? I am growing in my relationship with God. I am learning of the many gifts he has given us. Grace….this is one of the many areas that I need continued growth.

  • Avatar Bri says:

    I actually blogged about something similar a few months back. This is definitely an area in which I struggle! I have trouble asking for help when I need it and also turning down things others ask of me. I don’t have to volunteer for EVERY SINGLE MINISTRY at church to be a good Christian…in fact, I’ve found that the more I volunteer for, the worse I do at being a good Christ-follower (as my 1st line to cut from my to-do list is Bible study and personal time with God). I really hope to read this book soon!

  • Avatar Eskai says:

    I feel like you Kat. I don’t “think” I’m a just trying to be a good girl and please people but deep down I know I am. I would love to have an opportunity to read this book.

  • Avatar Janine says:

    You’re definitely not alone. I have a 6 week old, 22 month old, and 3 1/2 year old. They’re all 21 months apart and I keep trying to do it alone! I keep thinking to myself, “I can be the mom who can do it. I can be patient and kind to my kids, while keeping the house clean and keeping all my commitments.” This morning I had a melt down and that’s actually what led me to your blog. After a crying time with God, I thought, “There has to be a blog out there that can give me tips on how to do this!” I read the description of your blog and knew I’d found what I’ve been looking for. You’re not alone…none of us are! Thanks for your post and I look forward to becoming a loyal follower!

  • Avatar Miranda says:

    I am. I want everyone to like me. Instead, I should get everybody to love Jesus through me.

  • Avatar Jessica G. says:

    Admitting weakness can be so hard, especially in some Christian circles, yet, isn’t that what we are supposed to do? Isn’t proclaiming the Gospel saying, “I don’t have it all together, but Jesus does! Follow Him!” I too often try to show God and others that I can do it myself, thanks very much, but end up failing miserably.

  • Avatar katitav says:

    I agree with Jessica G. It’s really hard for me to admit that I don’t have it all together, although it is painfully obvious to those closest to me. I am a dreamer, I have big ambitions. I’ve been trying to do it on my own strength and I am not strong enough… How do I let God take control? Completely.

  • Avatar Michelle says:

    I know that I spend most of my life trying to take care of everyone around me. I want to be the one who has it all together. I hate having to ask anyone for help. I know that it is pride

  • Avatar Kara says:

    Isn’t He amazing…just saw this post after a morning of messing up while attempting to help multiple people…had to ask for help and was (oh-so-deep-down where ‘no one’ can see it) ashamed…silly me. Thanks for the reminder of His sweet grace and our humble dependence.

  • Avatar Beverley Allardyce says:

    I am definitely guilty of that
    I put on a face for everyone around me like I can handle it all and yet I know it is only with God great help that I can do things and without it I would flounder
    I am going to try and put the money aside and get that book I think it would inspire me and encourage me too.

  • Avatar Jilly W. says:

    I am a recovering people pleaser and thank God I’m not where I used to be, but I still struggle sometimes with the guilt. It is all about grace….God’s precious, redeeming grace!!!

  • Avatar Kristen says:

    Now that I’m a mother and wife, who has to work tho my heart has long desired to be at home with my kiddos, (10,8,5), I am starting to let go a little of the independence streak that has long characterized my life. I now know I can support myself and my family….however I can’t do it all by myself and its sooo incredibly frustrating when you feel you have to.

  • Avatar Cathryn Eckley says:

    So, just this morning my mind was in a battle…” I can’t do this anymore! I don’t want to do this anymore!!” It was subtle, but the enemy was feeding me lies. I asked God, “do you even want me to spend time with you this morning??!!” It is true that my husband has been on a remote assignment for 7 months now. It is true that I am stretched very thin with four sons ages 5 years to 2 months who demand my attention nearly moment by moment. It is true that waking up three times last night by three different children made me think of brighter tomorrows when my help-mate is home again. I was definitely feeling defeated while driving my 3 year old to preschool this morning. I put in my son’s kiddie worship CD, Seeds, and was brought to tears by the grace of our God through the song/verse I was listening to: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10. I am in awe at how much my Mighty God loves me. ~Cathryn

  • Avatar Jennifer says:

    I attended a MOPS meeting last spring where we talked about our roles as moms & wives & women & this quote truly spoke to me, I hope it will to you too. I have it posted on my desk when I need encouragement to remember to be myself, the person God made me to be:
    “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is trying its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human can fight; and never stop fighting.” e.e. cummings

  • Avatar Tasha says:

    I think this is something that EVERY. SINGLE. WOMAN. deals with. I would love to read some encouraging words in the matter.

  • Avatar Callie says:

    As a mom, I am always trying to “have it all together” and be what society tells me I should be, comparing myself others in the process. I need daily reminders that grace is enough! I’d love to read this book! Thanks for the giveaway!

  • Avatar Jen says:

    Ugh…I have lived for years wearing masks thinking those years were long gone until, just this week, God has showed me I am still struggling in this area. I’m so grateful He is the Wonderful Counselor and am thankful there are resources like this book to help us in this journey!

  • Avatar Diana says:

    Kat, you are so NOT alone! I am working on it, but I seem to always aim to please those around me and I’m truly uncomfortable if I do not succeed. However, through the years, God is showing me that in being this way, I am not pleasing Him because He loves me for who I am and not what others would want me to be. He wants me to be the best me I can be, and that isn’t going to please everyone. Sometimes I will be ‘ugly’ to others (LOL), but I will be beautiful to Him, and that is really all that matters.

  • Avatar Diana says:

    I got this link sent to me from a friend who witnessed my attempts at being a good girl yesterday, trying to live and mother on my own strength, without the Lord.
    I was trying to be strong on my own and was left broken, empty, and completely exhausted.
    So, I think I’m glad to know that *I’m* not alone. That someone else may just understand my struggles and my failed attempts at living a life that appears to be put together when it’s really quite frayed.

    The only thing that gave me peace last night was something Ann Voskamp wrote saying … “The state of my space doesn’t reflect the state of my soul. … God doesn’t ask me to be perfect; He asks me to *praise*.”
    So simple, yet so hard.

    I can only imagine the wonder of the truths found in Emily’s book and would love to be able to read it!

  • Avatar Grace (no, it really is) says:

    Missionary in Taiwan. Daughter-in-law to the director of South East Asia missions in our organization. Leader of a mom’s ministry. Mentor of a handful of “younger women” Wife of an incredible Godly (and handsome!) man. Mother of a 3-year-old and 1-year-old. Those are my “roles” in my life. Oh, and I am a natural “people pleaser” and “peace maker”. Combine all this stuff and, for me, it spells out one thing — STAY STRONG, EVERYONE’S WATCHING YOU! I constantly feel as though if I have a “weak moment”, I will let someone down. However, I know it is such a stinken’ lie. There is grace for today, grace for this moment and I need to recieve that grace with every step I take and not only his grace but the grace of the amazing people that he has surrounded me with. So you are not alone. I constantly struggle that I have to be strong for one reason or another… but community and grace are the two things that show me that I need other people and I need to lean on not only God’s grace for myself but the community around me too!

  • Avatar Lauren says:

    I want to be perfect, and I hate failing… or rather I FEAR failing. So, taking risks and allowing my life to look messy is a big step for me. But it’s part of how I can leave the ‘good girl syndrome’ behind… taking baby steps of risk and trusting God with the fallout! It’s much more fun – and freeing– that way.

  • Avatar Kristina says:

    I don’t pretend to have it all together anymore, but there are still days I need to release the guilt of failed striving and accept grace.

  • Avatar Dyanne says:

    You are definitely not alone. Thanks for the giveaway.

  • Avatar Heather Weis says:

    You are not alone. I am slowly learning to cease striving and KNOW that He is God. It’s a difficult journey, to be sure. I hope yours is blessed. Thank you for sharing this title; I’ve been searching for a book to read and this one is probably it.

  • Avatar Desiree says:

    Let’s see… how can I put this?

    **I’m right there with ya, sister!!**

  • Avatar Tawny says:

    We need the grace of
    God in our life so badly. There is no way I could ever do it on my own. The pressure of what people think can be so heavy, even for grown women. Here we are, desperately in need of Him to be our strength, our peace, our Provider and our Hope. Without knowing how intimately and completely He loves us we succumb to the pressure of depending how we look and how we perform. There is so much more. We can never look young/thin enough and can never have things perfectly in place enough to satisfy us permanently. His perfect love will never fail us.

  • Avatar Julie says:

    i try very hard not to need anyone. i just don’t like how it feels to be beholden to people.

  • Avatar Cari says:

    I would love to read this book! I am indeed my own worst critic.I set the bar unreasonably high and often find myself “failing” in all sorts of realms. I want to so much to be free within the context that I’m placed – to not always have ten goals to be striving for at once. Thanks for the opportunity.
    Cari

  • Avatar Heidi says:

    Most of my life, I’ve known I’m a good girl. I’ve made much, much progress, but still it is part of who I am. Would love to read Emily’s journey and learn from her progress. Grace always trumps good.

  • Avatar sandi says:

    like others that have commented, i struggle with comparing myself to others and trying to be all things to all people. very tiring! read several reviews of this book on other sites and would love to read it myself. thanks for the opportunity.

  • Avatar Lindsey says:

    absolutely. I really believe my mom is superwoman – she can do it all and frequently does, often to the detriment of her own health. I often follow in her footsteps because I believe she is an amazing woman who is very talented, giving and selfless. Unfortunately, I can also see the negative effects this has on her life, both emotionally and physically, and I don’t want the same fate for myself … but find it hard to not try to be superwoman.

  • Avatar Terri says:

    Strong…… that is my middle name. Holding it all together. But I am learning to let myself be weak, to take my weakness to the Lord and depend on Him, looking for the blessings even in the trials. I am looking so forward to reading Emily’s book! Blessings!

  • Avatar JennyV says:

    I feel as though I am a ‘people pleaser’ in a way… not that I want their acceptance and nod, but what I tend to want is for them to need ME if that makes any sense. I sometimes think I want to know that I’m not expendable — and so I go out of my way to do more for others and at the same time, I don’t ask others to help me.

  • Avatar Angela says:

    I want to be done being the strong thing. But no one else will let me. I am trying though….

  • Avatar camille lopez says:

    I’ve learned through some tough times growing up to rely on no one! But there are no “lone rangers” in Christ… Surrendering has been a tough area for me… and it’s ok!!

  • Avatar Mssarahnicole says:

    This comment is for a friend, who I know would love this book, she is a “good girl” and I hope she could find fellowship in this book ๐Ÿ™‚ so pick me. So I can pass this on and brighten her day ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Avatar Ursula says:

    It’s been a long process for me to learn to accept help and accept God’s grace through that help. I was raised to not have to depend on people because we can’t trust people so I’m inclined to just do things on my own…sigh…what a battle it’s been to fight off my tendencies and ENJOY God’s grace. This book sounds like an amazing read. Thanks for giving away 3 copies!

  • Avatar JenM says:

    I struggle with it all the time. It’s a constant process of learning and letting go and I don’t think I’ll ever be done. I would love to win a copy of Emily’s book to help me with my journey.

  • Avatar Irene Ford says:

    I need this book, I am a people pleaser and let people walk on me just to make sure that I don’t hurt anyones feelings. I would love to have a copy of this book.

  • Avatar Erin Bracey says:

    i am in need of this book

  • Avatar tara says:

    You are not alone. I’ve always been a good girl too! That book sounds really great!
    Thanks!

  • Avatar MemeGRL says:

    Oooh, I want Darlene to win. But I can use it too. I am always happy to help others but really shudder at the thought of accepting help myself.

  • Avatar Jacque says:

    We are so ingrained by our culture to be independent and self sufficient. God calls us to be in community with other believers for sooo many reasons!

  • Avatar Jennifer says:

    Yes- I totally struggle with this! Thanks for sharing!

  • Avatar Karen says:

    I have to admit, I struggle with this concept. On one hand, God created us in His image and loves the authentic us, we don’t need to try to be the “good girl” as she describes it. At the same time, my husband, for whom I am committed to being a helpmate, needs me to play that part in order to make his life less stressful and easier to manage. You can see the dilemma, yes? I choose to do what I can to be all I can be, even when it wears me thin, because that is what my husband needs from me. And I am called to be his helper in this life. So, I have to embrace my inner good girl….i can’t wait to read the book though!

  • Avatar Amy says:

    I have been constantly striving. Then a few months ago my pastor told me to stop trying so hard at everything. I didn’t know any other way, but am slowly realizing I have to just let God use me.

  • I’m a recovering perfectionist ๐Ÿ™‚ And I’m a recovering don’t want to inconvenience anyone type. I’d love to read this book!

  • There are days like today where I sit in a PTA meeting and think that I have my life all organized and arranged in my beautiful planner…only to find it derailed by the smallest change that creates a domino effect of chaos…and I know that no matter how hard I try…I can’t do everything and I can’t create perfect days without interruptions or distractions.
    It is a lesson I learn over and over and once again this evening.
    Can’t wait to read Emily’s book!

  • Avatar Krissa says:

    Yes, I’m with you…and I can’t wait to read this book!

  • Avatar Brenda says:

    Seeing I’m post #227, I’m guessing that you’re definitely not alone, and that I’m in plenty of company. Thank you for sharing.

  • Avatar Valerie says:

    I’m pretty sure I need this book! Thanks for sharing!

  • Avatar K.O. says:

    I struggle with trying to “be strong”, but I don’t trust others enough not to be…

  • Avatar Brandy says:

    no way are you alone! I try every single day to hold it all together and be strong and do what I do with perfection, taking care of those around me, and pleasing everyone. This is a book I have been wanting to get my hands on!

  • Avatar Bethany says:

    I am often considered to be the “good girl” of the family. My husband and I have the “good marriage.” We have the “good children.” It is one of the hardest things in the world to let go of my attempts to control this life and to let God do the work instead of me.

  • Avatar Jeniffer says:

    The first time I realized that I was not perceived as the good girl I thought myself to be was in high school. One of the female leaders in the church was commenting on a certain young man from the youth group. I decided to take a big risk and hint that I had a crush on him. Her response to this very vulnerable moment was, “But HE is a good boy!” Implying that I was NOT a good girl. OUCH! My little teenage spirit was absolutely crushed. I replied that I was a good girl too! She tried to back peddle but at that point it did not really matter. The words could not be taken back. I distinctly remember that being the point at which I decided that I would not need anybody. Not even anyone at church could be trusted. It was going to be me and God, I did not want anybody else. Obviously, that is not what God intended. Being a lone ranger is not very satisfying. As well intentioned as I might have thought I was being, really it was my way of trying to avoid being hurt again. I have since learned that in this life pain is inevitable. But to find beauty, truth and love you MUST take risks. To try to avoid pain is to avoid life and that is no life at all. God created us to live in and need community. Although for some, community will look very different and be much smaller than for others, it is still necessary. We must first accept ourselves with all of our flaws and accept Christ’s forgiveness then we can accept others. Having known and accepted grace we can then extend grace to our fellow flawed human beings and even live in community knowing that they will let us down as often as we will let them down. We must trust God to guide us through this cycle: pain… grace… forgiveness… truth… beauty… love!

  • Avatar Erin says:

    You are so not alone in trying to be the good girl. I think that it comes with just being a girl…it is common to us all. Thanks for the opportunity to win a copy of the book!

  • I used to be a pleaser.. And then my youngest son died and I just couldn’t do it.. but oh, can I work to not need people! Thank you for this opportunity.

  • Avatar jenni says:

    I just had coffee with a friend this am, and told her “it’s easier for me to just put on my happy face and pretend to be strong than to admit how tired and weary I really feel.”
    Hmmm.
    Do I need this book? (as in, boy, do I *need* this book!)

  • Avatar Suzanne says:

    I LOVED this post! I too am an older daughter, people pleaser, don’t want to appear weak or needy in front of others kinda girl. It’s literally in the last few weeks that I’ve really begun to grasp how much He dotes on me as a daughter. I have no idea why I have never been able to really get this, but a few weeks back a beautiful lady in my life gave me a word from Isaiah 62v4a about Hepzibah “my delight is in her” ๐Ÿ™‚
    I would love to have this book, please! (as long as you don’t mind paying shipping to the UK!)

  • Avatar Caroline says:

    You’re definitely not alone! I would love to read this book. God is teaching me a lot right now about only looking to Him for approval and NOT other people!

  • Avatar Rebekah says:

    So timely! As a military wife, I’m constantly being told how strong I am, which makes me want to live up to that by never asking for help or being vulnerable. However, becoming a new mom and being a thousand miles from family has opened my eyes, and I’m getting comfortable with being very real with people and accepting help.

  • Avatar Evonne says:

    I just had this thought this morning as I reminisced about the many times I’ve had this thought. It was actually good to know it happens to so many others, as it is easy to think it is just “you” and no one else. Being a mom who’s a bit older, I’m always told I have it “together.” Then I wonder why I don’t feel that way! Thank you for your timely post…it was just what I needed this morning.

  • Avatar lindsey says:

    I really want to win this book for my sister! I’ve done my fair share of people pleasing, but my sweet sister has been really struggling lately and I think this book would be perfect for her. She’s turning 30 and although that’s not old, it is a milestone, and she’s starting to realize she hasn’t been living the life God intended for her and that trying to make everyone else happy has made her miserable in the process. To top it off, the people she’s been living for aren’t happy either. I’ve had my share of struggles too, but i think this would be a great book for her to read, and then maybe I’ll borrow it and read it for myself.

  • Avatar Angela W. says:

    I like to be liked, so even though I don’t think I try to please everyone there is the pressure there. There is a situation in life now where I feel like I’m inevitably going to have to rock the boat a little. My hesitation is the response of others. They won’t like what I have to say so I equate that to they won’t like me.

  • Avatar Debra E says:

    Yes, I too try to do it all on my own, though I’ve been learning these past few years to ask for help. The book sounds wonderful!

  • Avatar Kim S. says:

    I would Love to win a copy of I’m Done Being a Good Girl. We all get at points in our lives that we try to please Everyone and loss site of what really matters. I try to please my husband, my children, my parents, friends, church family and even my doctors. And I need the reality that the only person I truly need to please is God. I’m glad that he gives me a knock on the head sometimes to remind me.

  • Avatar Lori says:

    I can relate to this book! Too often I find myself comparing myself to the bloggers I read, and then I realize . . everybody’s circumstances are different, everybody’s energy level is different . . .I need to stop comparing and allow God to give me the grace to be ME!!! Would love to read this book!

  • Avatar Daniella says:

    I read this as I just hung up the phone, promising another friend that I’m going to come visit today, to see her and her new baby, because she’d really love to see me. Yet, this week is the busiest of my life, and right after I hung up I realized what a mistake I’ve made, trying to be there for one more person, when I’d barely had a moment with just me a my own family for a whole week. This was the only day we had just to rest, and because I feel bad, like I should be there to please a friend because we’re only here resting (doing “nothing”), I’ve given up our one day to rest in the middle of a week with a surgery, volunteer obligations, clubs, groups… When will I learn to ask for help, and when will I stop trying to do it all and be all to everyone, when I really just need to to be there for my family, my husband and children, first?

  • Avatar MomOfFour says:

    I have been finding out the hard way that I can not do it on my own…..

  • Avatar Krista says:

    I’m there too… My husband has been travelling a lot lately, I’m trying to wrap up a job of 7 yrs to be a stay at home Mom and we’re in the middle of packing to move in 2 weeks! But when a close friends have offered to help pack or watch our toddler, both mine and my husband’s initial reaction is to say we’re “fine”. Failing again to be honest and open with our Brothers and Sisters in Christ. The journey together is SO much more fruitful than the journey alone but again and again I seem to pass it up.

  • I just spent the weekend with our women’s ministry team at church. I shared almost your exact words. It is ok for me to help you….grow, with your tasks, in your relationships, if you need help. It is HARD for me to admit I am not strong and that I need your support. Growing and learning every day and grateful for a Saviour who never gives up on me.

  • Avatar Heather says:

    I am so grateful for a book on this subject! Walking in the Holy Spirit, in stead of our own flesh, is the greatest challenge any Christian will ever face. Just yielding to God’s grace and taking that yolk off of our shoulders is way better than any effort that I might give by digging deep and mustering up some minuscule work on my own.

  • […] Iรขโ‚ฌโ„ขm Done Being a Good Girl รขโ‚ฌโ€ Inspired To Action. Share this:Like this:LikeBe the first to like this post. […]

  • Avatar Rachel says:

    I’ve tried not needing people and I know how much I need people. Finding people who are willing to be real and authentic is difficult tho.

  • Avatar angela says:

    A good girl here who always tried to be better. Discovered God’s Grace. I’ve been set free. Would love to read the book and pass on to my daughter.

  • Avatar Erin V. says:

    the line in you post that jumped out at me was that you are pretty good at trying to not need people. i cling to God like a champion, but when it comes to relying and clinging and needing people… working on that one. thanks so much for the give away!

  • Avatar Gini Sellers says:

    I so struggle in being the good girl wanting to please all those around me!

  • Avatar Alison says:

    As much as I do not want to care about what others think about me, I do. And it’s puts a burden on me that shouldn’t have to be there!

  • Avatar Lindsay E. says:

    I definitely need to read Emily’s book as I feel like I’ve struggled with this for so long and need to find myself and some answers from the Lord.

  • Avatar angela says:

    the past few years have seen me let go more and more of the need for perfection and to just learn to be… learning to embrace grace!

  • Avatar Sam says:

    The first time I saw a video interview with Emily several months ago, I knew I needed to read this book! Thanks for the giveaway!!

  • Avatar Beth says:

    I can totally relate. I am discovering my tendency to try to become what others expect of me, while simultaneously trying not to need anyone. This way, I am sure not to inconvenience anyone. Hahaha. I will be sure and pick up a copy of the book.

  • Avatar Melissa says:

    So not alone.

    I struggle with this constantly. I want to be self-sufficient so much that I have been known to get angry with people who try to help me. I fear being a burden to others. I fear being perceived as weak or inadequate. This is not how we are meant to live. We can’t do anything with God, and we need each other more than I really care to admit.

  • Avatar Tiff W says:

    I’m SO going to buy this book!

  • Avatar Amber says:

    I struggle with wanting to look like I have it all together and not wanting to need other people. As much as I know I don’t want to be a good girl anymore, those are hard, old patterns to break!

  • Avatar Judy says:

    I’ve really struggled with being a people pleaser and I’ve been focusing to grow in Godliness in this area… being a God pleaser! ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m very interested to read this book.

  • Avatar Lisa Legaspi says:

    I definitely try to be strong and independent and not tied to others through my reliance on them when times are tough. Part of the issue is that my friends that I could rely on are so busy with their lives and I feel it would be an imposition to ask for help. I frequently offer help but rarely get taken up on the offer. I guess we’re all in the same boat of not imposing our needs on others–even our closest friends.

  • Avatar Darcy says:

    You are definitely not alone in that! I try to not need anyone, I also struggle with not wanting anyone (besides my immediate family) to need me. I am afraid if I give an inch people will take a mile and then I might have to stand up for myself…

  • Avatar susan says:

    being a good girl is such hard work. trying to be strong all the time is hard work too. eventually both ways of handling my world failed me. i am now learning how grace looks and feels. this looks like a helpful read.

  • Avatar Bethany says:

    This book sounds like one I need to read. And boy is God really doing the whole Sacred Echo thing in my life today!

  • Avatar Heidi says:

    Oh my, does this ring true for me. I’m pretty good at admitting my faults, but I like people to think I’ve got it together most of the time. I really need to learn how to let God be my strength rather than trying to be strong on my own.

  • Avatar Sarah K says:

    Ugh, I totally have a problem with thinking I don’t need anyone, that I can hold it all together on my own, by my own strength. And when I fail at this impossible task, I wallow in guilt and frustration. I could really use some biblical encouragement and instruction about this.

  • Avatar Debbie says:

    Yes, you are not alone! I can totally identify and I feel like this book was written exactly for me. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Avatar Bekah says:

    Wow, I could have written this book, if I could ever finish any book I start…more of the try-harder approach! This looks so awesome. I am definitely with you on that trying to go-it-alone thing.

  • Avatar Karin says:

    Amen and Amen to just the few comments below-I’ve learned I was a “Golden Retriever type” trying to please people, but was also in the military for 10 yrs, trying to prove I could do it on my own-Thank you God for showing me I can’t and I can totally depend on Him!

  • Avatar Sarah says:

    wow… feel like someone’s been reading my mail… totally relate to the ‘good girl’ ‘try hard’ pitfall!

  • Avatar Sarah says:

    Great post….I think I need to read this book. I struggle alot with pleasing people, and making sure I am always there for them, but have a hard time asking anyone for help for me.

  • Avatar katy says:

    You are not alone! Often I wish there were those to help…

  • You are not alone! I am always “trying hard’ in everything – especially being strong. It is so hard for me to let down my guard.

  • Avatar Suzanne R. says:

    *sigh* you are not alone. Not sure if I’m telling you or trying to convince myself, but either way. i would love the opportunity to read Emily’s book.

  • Avatar kristy says:

    TOTALLY not alone! It is hard as a mom to not try and keep EVERYTHING together ALL the time…just look at how many people feel the same way!

  • Avatar Erin says:

    I must read this book….I saw one Emily’s promotion videos where she said “this is not a doing book, but a believing book”. It so struck me!!

  • Avatar Elaine says:

    You are not alone! I can’t wait for the opportunity to read this great sounding book.

  • Count my voice in as one who is the “good girl” in need of grace… I try and try and try… and fail and fail and fail. Were it not for grace freely given I’d be a shell of a woman, bound up by my own self-sufficiency that’s not really sufficient to truly live and to breathe deep.

  • Avatar Becky says:

    you’re definitely not alone. I’d love to hear what this book has to say. I’m sure there’s much I could learn.

  • Avatar katherine says:

    definitely not alone! thank you for the opportunity to learn about this book! i hope to win ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Avatar Mrs. H says:

    I do – I try too hard at being the “good girl.” And the honest truth is, that even when my actions might display it, it’s not from the heart. I need to realize that it’s because of grace, and that alone, that I am even here.

  • Avatar Kathleen says:

    You’re certainly not alone! Perfection is a hard thing to live up to. I want to find a balance of what matters- and not caring about the rest. Thanks for sharing your story.

  • Avatar Amy says:

    There is so much need around me — and I want to share God’s love as the answer. Yet, how much do I accept or understand that in my own life? I have a ‘Messiah complex’ — how do I retain an evangelical outlook, yet let go and let God’s Spirit be the One at work in people’s lives, including my own, instead of me being the one ‘fixing’ things?

  • Avatar Sandy says:

    Hmm…yes, I’d say I’m one of those “good girls,” and yes, I do try to please people. The hardest part is realizing that you CAN’T please everyone–and I’d really like for everyone (and me) to love each other and just get along. I’d love to read this book!

  • Avatar Christie says:

    I have always struggled with the concept of grace, both for myself and for others. I have extremely high expectations and often am disappointed when I fall short of my goals. Having children of my own is helping me to learn what true grace is, but I am still learning.

  • It’s the third (or fourth, I can’t even remember) week of school and I’m already so overcommitted I don’t know how I’ll make it until May. And it’s not because I need to be, it’s because I feel like I’m letting people down if I say no.

  • […] Iรขโ‚ฌโ„ขm Done Being a Good Girl รขโ‚ฌโ€ Inspired To Action […]

  • Avatar Linda R says:

    Good Morning! I think I was meant to find this post today. I have been exploring the line between being strong and not needing anything from anyone AND letting people walk over me while wanting them to like me and think I’m a nice person?? What is a good girl really? Aren’t I suppose to “live out loud” and questions like “why isn’t anyone worried about hurting my feelings”??? It just keeps all swirling in my mind like water circling a drain…I’m thinking I NEED this book and some divine direction. Thanks for giving the opportunity to win this juicy delicious book – FINGERS CROSSED!

  • Avatar Robin B. says:

    I am a people-pleaser and try so hard to be the good girl. Sounds like this would be a good book for me! Thanks for hosting the giveaway and inspiring me to action.

  • Avatar Heather says:

    I am Ms. Independent and try to do everything myself partly because I don’t want to put others out.

  • […] randomly selected recipients of Emily Freeman’s amazing book Grace for the Good Girl […]

  • Avatar k says:

    I guess i’ll check out amazon or abe-books, since i IMAGINE you’ve given away the few u had to give? Sounds excellent – i do try to NOT need anyone .. just wouldn’t have thought to put it that way…