We complicate parenting.
We try 10,000 different methods and look for the perfect solution to help us to be more patient with our children.
When really? A large portion of our frustration can be avoided with a few simple steps.
I want to challenge you to do a 1 day experiment.
The 5 steps listed below might make you roll your eyes. You’ve heard them before. But how often do we actually do them?
Really?
Try these 5 things for 1 day and you’ll be amazed at the impact they have!
1. Sleep 7-8 Hours
Have you ever had a child MELT DOWN when they were over tired? Yeah, me too.
Sleep is absolutely VITAL to both our emotional and physical well being. Do you get enough of it? Why or why not?
Many of us don’t get enough sleep for unnecessary reasons. Like Facebook. Like the reading blogs. Like TV. Like Twitter.
We say that we NEED time to relax.. Then in the name of “relaxation”, we stay up late, only to be exhausted and grumpy the next day.
When we stay up late, we rob ourselves of tomorrow’s energy, patience and joy.
In reality, the only reason we need so much time to relax is because we’re not truly well rested.
2. Drink 6-8 Glasses of Water
Being dehydrated can be a huge factor in our grumpiness level.
3. Be Like a Wall of Jello
Being a grown up with emotional kids is tough. So imagine what it’s like for our kids to have emotional parents.
When we respond poorly to our children’s emotions (with anger, frustration, rudeness, annoyance) it truly rocks their world. Our children need stability. They need to be able to process their vast emotions and NOT have us acting like a ping pong ball responding uncontrolled.
I love James 1:19-20:
19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, 20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
When we are frustrated and angry, our responses are not going to bring about righteousness in our children. Being mad doesn’t teach our children anything except that “if Mom can fly off the handle, so can I.”
Be like Jello, absorb their emotions and frustrations, filtering them through prayer. If we can’t respond in LOVE, tell them we need to calm down and postpone response.
4. Be All There. Don’t Multitask.
Often times the root of our impatience is because we’re not “all there.” We are distracted, trying to do too much.
Today, be focused. Be “all there” with your children.
5. Start 15 Minutes Early
Possibly the most patience testing time for moms is when we are trying to transition our kids.
Out of bed. To school. Get homework done. To the car. To bed.
They always seem to move in slow motion. They forget things like – pants. It’s truly stunning the crazy things that cause friction during transition times.
Today, start extra early.
The Challenge
My challenge to you is to try these 5 steps for just 1 day.
Don’t try to make a permanent life change, yet. That would be overwhelming.
Make it a simple experiment to see how big of a difference these small things make.
You might find you’re an incredibly patient mom after all.
Do you struggle with patience like I do? What are some things you do to keep calm and carry on?
This has been key in my progress towards slowly becoming a more patient mom. (And it’s free.)
(This post is part of WFMW.)
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My name is Kat and I'm so glad you stopped by. This blog is full of resources for inspired moms like you.
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Thanks for the simplicity here. I know I tend to look for complicated solutions. Love the Jello best!
Let me say that doing those things definitely helps me be more patient. Except for the water one, I probably don’t do the rest as often as I’d like to. The sleep is tough since there are few nights when I get uninterrupted sleep but I have been trying really hard to work on start 15 mins early…like if I have to be somewhere by a certain time, I take into account travel time, getting in/out of the car, and then the 15 minutes. Makes for happier travelers for sure. =p
I do struggle with patience. It is something I pray about and am always thinking about but still fail and struggle with daily. Thank you for the encouragement from your blog and tweets and I look forward to doing these simple things to become more patient with my little boy!
all the things you listed are so true! I find that I have to set realistic expectations for them AND ME. The perfectionist in me sometimes places the bar way too high.
I’ll take the challenge!
Rusheika,
Me too! I think I sometimes treat my kids like short adults rather than young children with a lot to learn.
It IS the simple things that make the biggest difference, isn’t it? Thanks for the reminder
LOVED the ” Be “all there†with your children”! This is something I am working on and it completely fills my heart with joy! I see and hear things that I didn’t before! And also changing my perspective of the crazy things like the saline crackers that were crushed all over the chair this morning! =) They clean up. He’s three. I will miss those cracker crumbs when they are all grown and gone!! Thanks for a great post!
This came at the right time. I just lost it this afternoon with my (sensitive-spirited) daughter who is now up in her room crying and pouting, but hopefully praying too…
Here’s my thing. That “wall of jello” feels impossible. Sometimes I still feel like a sensitive little child myself, who just wants the people I’m around (my children) to do the reasonable and listen when I speak, clean up the things they made a mess of, and communicate respectfully. And when I don’t get that time after time after time, it starts to wear me down and eventually I lose it. I’ve been told my expectations are too high for children, but I really don’t know how to change my expectations.
I feel like kids get a free pass to act out because they’re hungry, tired, immature, sinful, etc., but somehow I’m supposed to have conquered all that by the time I become a mom; yet I find the reverse is true. I have become aware of more things than ever that I need to grow in and I have an issue with anger that was never an issue until this season of life.
I know. Nothing is impossible with God. Only the Holy Spirit can empower us to make these changes. And I have called out to Him. He prompted me to read and discuss I Corinthians 13 on this Valentine’s Day morning. I started us off well, and then it has seemed to crumble. Where is the Holy Spirit when I feel so disrespected by how my daughter is treating me that after correcting her calmly multiple times, I finally snap and give her a good, angry whack? It happens so quickly that sometimes I don’t even feel like I’ve made a choice – it’s more of a reaction than an actual thought-through response.
Why is it that my children finally respond when I spank/threaten/etc., even though I don’t really want to rely on spanking to get them to obey? The gentle discipline folks assert that it reinforces to our kids that hitting is okay. But my kids lack of obedience until that point reinforces to me that that spanking/threats/etc. is the only thing that really works. And then I get to face the long term consequences of having obedient children who fear me more than love me…
I just feel a lot of weight on my heart right now. If they knew how much I wanted to do right by them – how I want to usher them into the arms of Jesus at the youngest age possible so they could experience the best love ever and then turn around and share it freely. And how I’m so scared that I’m supposed to be the most important example of that to them and I’m failing… Satan sucks.
I’m not sure how appropriate all this verbal vomit is on a public blog, but I’m thankful for the outlet none the less. I’m concerned that a few of my well-meaning, personal friends who haven’t made some of the same choices we have with our family (namely homeschooling) would judge those choices as being a huge part of our problem. And yet, we felt called to do it, so I press on…
Thanks, Kat, for your always inspiring/encouraging/soul-searching posts. Blessings to you and yours.
melanie
Melanie,
I don’t know about other blogs, but honest, heartfelt verbal vomit is ALWAYS ok here!
I don’t have a quick answer for you and I don’t imagine you expected me to. I will say, though, that over the past 3 years or so, God has done an amazing work in me and I am fully confident He wants to do the same in you.
I know I talk about this all the time, but developing the habit if daily, intentional, purposeful time with Him ignited a “slow burn” revolution in me. And one by one, day by day things in my heart and then in my life have changed. But it all started by pushing myself further and further into His presence on a consistent basis.
Sounds trite just like the other ideas in this post, but it absolutely works.
I’ve also really been impacted by resources like Love and Logic, Mission of Motherhood, and PositiveParentingSolutions.com.
None of these are a panacea, but small steps. I will be praying for you today Melanie. You are not alone.
-Kat
This is so relevant to me today. I’m so upset with myself for my lack of patience and self control with my children, yet I’m upset with them for what I think are pretty simple things, like simply taking their shoes upstairs. Thanks for the great advice – needed this today.
I have to say as I started reading this comment I felt as if someone had read my mind and posted it on the internet!! We are also a homeschooling family. I didn’t know I had a problem with anger until the last few years. I’m even taking an anti-depressant now. Which helps, but I still have my days. Which tells me that yes medicine can help, but God is the only one that can take care of these problems. I have no patience. Today we started school and I had to tell them to wait a minute, lock myself in my room and pray for patience, b/c I was losing it. And we had only been doing school for about 5 minutes.
I’m constantly trying to figure out new things to do to fix things. And most of the time they’re really complicated and I don’t stick with it.
I feel as if my kids don’t respect me. I tell them over and over to do something and they look at me like I’m speaking spanish. And then go on doing what they were doing.
My husband is a….well I wouldn’t say he’s an unbeliever, but we’re not on the same spiritual path which can make it difficult when trying to raise godly kids.
I try to read Proverbs 31 everyday. I’m striving so hard to become a Proverbs 31 wife and mother and find myself failing alot.
None of this was really helpful I’m sure…but just know you’re not alone. Maybe we can help each other out. My email is bridgetlee_823@hotmail.com if you ever need to talk.
And Kat…great post!! Simple things!! I need to quit making everything so complicated!!! Your blog brings so much encouragement!!!
I, too, felt like someone read my mind and posted it on the internet…We have one left at home – he’s 14 – and I find myself frustrated beyond belief with him almost every day. EVERY DAY!! The frustration level in my family is almost out of control and I have no idea how to ‘fix it’. I am a ‘fixer’ by nature – not always a good thing – and this is just driving me nuts. I know I have to give it to Him. But i struggle.
I like your ‘jello’ comment, but I struggle with it a bit. Why again does someone get a ‘free pass’ when they are being disrespectful and disobedient? HOW am I supposed to remain calm and unaffected by truly rude behavior? Again, I am dealing with a 14 year old. . . Although I understand he still needs ‘stability’ and a sense of order, but you would think by this time he would have been able to learn a little bit of self control, and my expectation of self control isn’t to much, or over the top, is it? Doesn’t one also have to learn that what they say truly does affect the behavior of the person they are talking to?
I just feel like my whole life is spining a bit out of control and it makes me want to just lie down in bed until its time to get up to go to work. Not fun.
i totally feel the same way a lot of the times with my kids. my 5 year old has recently gone to school this fall and the level odf disrespectful comments that come from him has increased. i do however agree with Kat. The times that I am most consistant with my prayer and contemplation i am most calm patient and grateful. But given that I have a 3 month old there is really no such thing as consistancy in my house right now so I find myself praying “help” while I’m nursing the baby instead of listening to God in silence. The other thing that really helps me and has been helping a lot lately is realizing that GOD is in charge. And ultimately not only does HE take care of me but he also takes care of my kids. So they will be disrespectful sometimes and have a smart attitude. Sometimes they won’t obey, but just like God does with us, HE has ways of teaching and showing them that I know not of. EXample. My 5 year old swore to me that it was spring time this week and decided that he wanted to leave for school without his coat. (it was 22 degree out). I decided to give it to God and said “sure just put your coat in your bookbag just in case”. After walking to the care with nose and eys running and shivering in the car, he decided (himself) to put his coat on before he walked down the sidewalk to school.
I cannnot and not expected to teach every lesson. My job is to let God do his work of taking care of my kids THROUGH ME. And when I take the time to pray and meditate. Even if its just asking God to use me today and declaring that I surrender my worries to him each day. The day and the kids just seem to “work out”. I’m patient. My corrections are done with love. And the stress level is way down. When I feel the stress coming back I remind myself that God does meet all our needs and thus my needs are met right now. There is nothing to worry about. All is well.
thanks so much Kat for the blog. This is my first time on your site and I know i’ll be returining.
Peace and blessing to all.
Totally not alone! Thank you! Now I know I’m not alone, too! I’ll be praying for us all!! Thank you Kat and Keya for the great advice and reminders. Amazing how we overlook the obvious sometimes. And Keya, I liked the reminder that I’m not the kids’ only teacher. He uses me as one source but they have His full attention as well. I just need to do my part and give my day to Him.
If it helps to know I am standing EXACTLY in your shoes right now.. I am. I feel critical, judgmental, angry, impatient all the time and I know my “fruit” is sour. I need this challenge. I need a change of attitude; to realign my focus.; to breathe. I need to see things the way HE sees them and to have His words be my words. So far I’m not doing a great job mothering.. but I KNOW (even if right now I don’t feel) HIS GRACE (FOR ALL OF US) IS SUFFICIENT.
Hang in there,
I am working on this right now too, and I’m just trying to take it one step at a time. I am instituting a household-wide “no yelling” policy. It is really much harder than one would think, if your family is anything like mine. Yesterday my 13yo stepdaughter missed the bus because she wouldn’t get up on time, and so I made her wait until her Dad got home from working 3rd shift for him to take her to school (we have 2 toddlers under 3), with an unexcused tardy. He backed me up, but came home and asked why didn’t I get her out of bed? I said I tried, every 10 minutes from 6:15 until 7 when she finally got up. He said, did you raise your voice at her? you have to raise your voice at her! I said no, I’m done with that. She’s going to have to learn to listen and obey with me in a normal tone of voice.
I’m not perfect, and last night I still managed to lose my temper, but it felt good knowing that I know I am working on what I can do from my end to make ours a peaceful and fruitful home instead of strife and discontent.
thank you for your honesty ladies – I think more of us struggle with this than we realise…I still have my moments where I am less than proud of my actions but God is faithful and if I look back at where I was a few years back I can definatley see a positive change. Its only that I’ve committed it to him and I can see him working on my ‘mothering’. I read a quote once that helps me gain some perspective – “He who would have nothing to do with thorns must never attempt to gather roses”.
I wanted to respond to Melanie. A friend sent me this website and I just read this post for the first time, and your reply Melanie. I want to tell you that I really respect and admire your vulnerability and your honesty. You are definitely not alone! I am a Christian mom who is hoping to homeschool my two boys and I struggle with the same issues!
I thought God was ignoring me for a long time, not helping at all with the anger issue, but I think he requires something of us first. Sort of what Kat said, about spending time with him daily – we have to make that the MOST important thing we do. I personally find that if I get up early, before the kids and spend my time with the Lord and praying – it really sets the mood for the day. Still I struggle, still sometimes I get angry and react to my children, but when that happens, I admit my sin, apologize and ask for their forgiveness. If nothing else, they are seeing a great model of repentance in that action! I know it’s hard, but hang in there. Keep praying, keep on seeking the Lord and I think over time, it will get easier. I am reading a great book right now that touched on “bad habits” – and as I was reading it – I was thinking of my “anger habit”. It talked about patience and realizing that even with God, sometimes we are called to wait, and old habits and sins don’t usually just disappear overnight. The book is called Authentic Faith and it’s by Gary Thomas – it’s awesome, I highly recommend it.
Anyway, hope something I said will encourage you. I will pray for you. I feel your pain and I share your struggle.
With love in Christ,
Kirsten
Thank you, thank you for your honesty! I don’t have any answers for you (sorry, girlfriend!) but I am just so awed and thankful for your vulnerability.
The struggle is the same in so many households. It’s nice to know that we are not alone in this. (And never alone because Christ is always upholding us).
I have to give myself timeouts often. I apologize to my kids often. I believe that the decision to stay home and to homeschool is one way that God is refining me. I didn’t realize that anger was an issue for me before kids either!!
I pray that you will find solutions that bring more peace and less anger in your household.
Oh… maybe I’ll add a couple of books that I have found helpful in my journey:
Positive Discipline Jane Nelson
Good and Angry Turansky and Miller
How to Talk so Kids will Listen
and Listen so Kids will Talk Faber & Mazlish
… and am currently reading Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber & Mazlish
Melanie,
I am struggling with the same EXACT issues with my three children. I felt a breakdown coming on yesterday over this very same issue. I am so glad to see that I’m not the only Mom who is going through this. This is definitely not a “misery loves company” reply.
I asked the question yesterday, “Why can’t my children be like everyone else’s and not constantly argue with each other and call each other names??”
It’s been so very frustrating to me and overwhelming lately.
So glad I found this blog!
I feel most of my problem is that I am always rushing and don’t feel that I am spending enough time with them. I work and when I come home it’s like the count down to get the kids fed, homework checked, and into bed. I would love to be a stay at home Mom, but unfortunately it’s not possible at this time.
Thanks, Kat once again for this and Melanie hang in there. I will be praying for you as well as myself.
When we are going through a struggle we have a tendency to believe we are all alone. Your children are not the only ones who fight each other and call names. You are not the only Mom in the whole who has angry fits and lash out at your children. There are many out there, me included.
I have been on this journey for a while now and what I have found out that works is to dwell on the Grace of God instead of the rule of the law. Instead of reading Proverbs 31 and trying to be that woman (have you thought that the whole chapter is about her WHOLE life and not about a year of her life. All the things described there were accomplished throughout her life span.) READ on what Jesus has accomplished for you: by His stripes you are healed, as He is you are, you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you, you are more than conqueror in Christ, you have the Holy Spirit in you who is meek and gentle etc etc… find those Scriptures, memorize them, think on them, speak them to yourself out loud… reinforce the positive, live by faith, believe for the impossible.
I know it’s hard… but it has already been done for us, we need to rest in it and speak it out loud.
One of the Moms said something about why the kids can have a free pass on their bad behavior…. I used to think that way, some days I still do, but then I remind myself of God’s GRACE. He gave me a free pass on all my sin, because Jesus paid the price for it, He took my place and the punishment for it, so I can have a free pass at God’s Grace and Mercy. The more I parent the more I understand Grace and how crazy it is. How the simple things of God really do confound the wise of this world. You got to receive it as a little child.
The Angry and Good book really helped me. I read a ton of books but the only one that really helped me was this one because it showed me why I get angry and that it’s ok to be angry, it’s an emotion after all like sadness, happiness, etc.
Another book that really helped me on this Grace walk is Destined to Reign by Joseph Prince. It has changed my life and slowly I am being stripped of the burden of the Law and living in God’s Grace for my life everyday.
Hang in there… God created you to be the Mother of your children.
Thank you so much Tereza for your comment. What you said is so true. In a “Rome wasn’t built in one day” concept is something I really haven’t thought of before. I will be looking for both of those books. Once again, Thank you!
Melanie,
I would like to recomend a book to you called “Raising Godly Tomatoes”. This book is truly a great parenting guide. Happy reading!
Tina P.
I identify with this too. Usually I flatter myself that I’m pretty patient — though I have to admit the real reason is that I only have one kid so far, not counting the one on the inside (who is always QUIET so doesn’t count). But today I was going nuts because my toddler always had to be touching me, constantly, but not in a snuggly way … in a climb-y, fidgety, pokey way. It drives me crazy and I just want to scream at him — even though he isn’t really being bad, just annoying!
The one thing that helps me is to remember that I have to help myself too. How would I like my children to deal with their negative emotions? Shove them down under a rock and pretend they aren’t there? No, that’s not realistic. I’d ask them to be kind to themselves, to figure out things that make them feel better, and to try to pick themselves back up when they lose their cool. The same things I would recommend to someone else — step back from the situation, go to your room for a bit, stop doing anything else and just SIT for a moment without trying to react to anything — I should do myself. I can’t purge myself of all negative emotions any more than I can cure my family of them. But I can develop coping strategies that work for me.
What helps me is to STOP talking, moving, reacting and just be quiet for a second. During that second, I try to think of how my son feels and what is causing him to do what’s upsetting me. Is he *trying* to frustrate me, or (more likely) just doing his own thing without realizing how it affects me? Is it reasonable for a kid his age to have these problems? What does he need from me? Is it more than I’m willing to give? (Sometimes it is! That’s okay.) And then I try to connect with him on some level — offering to read a book, suggesting we go fold laundry together or go outside or get out a different toy. I don’t pick things that will frustrate me and stress me out, but things that will help both of us feel more connected — which is usually snuggling on the couch with a book. A few minutes of that calms us both down a lot.
And sometimes, when all I want is to whack my kid a good one, even though I know perfectly well he doesn’t deserve it and it won’t help (the times I’ve given into this, it HASN’T helped) I just walk away. I walk away and leave the room. My son flings himself at my bedroom door and screams. I know it’s not the best, but it is better than hitting him. So I take a few good deep breaths, center myself, decide on a course of action, and venture back out, hopefully a better mother than I went in.
That may or may not help — like I said, I have only one child! But even if it doesn’t help a bit, keep in mind that it IS normal to have a hard time with patience. You never do grow out of feeling angry and frustrated!
So. Good! Seriously, Kat. Maybe I have heard this before but I need constant reminding. I especially love the wall of jello thing! And no joke about starting 15 minutes early. It seems I get the most frustrated when I am trying to get everyone it the car. Awesome.
Only by taking care of ourselves can we be the best parent we can be. Great list of things here!
Bernice
What an excellent post, Kat, I will endeavour to put those into practice tomorrow!
What a completely fabulous kick-in-the-butt reminder! Thanks for this list- I think our whole family will be grateful for it! And for the record, you’re so right: I’ve heard these, know them, even own them. But rarely do them.
Yes! I totally struggle with this, and your suggestions are right on. Especially the one about multi-tasking. I know that I lose my patience most often with my kids when I’m the one multi-tasking. So not fair to them; something I’m really working on. Now I’m off to go drink some water. . .
Thanks for the tips!
I, too, have found the multi-tasking a big problem that sets me up for losing patience. And my 9yod commented recently that although she finds Mom to be the person she would like most to share all her ‘stuff’ with if she needed to talk, I don’t always make her feel that I am giving my full attention. ouch! I’m working on that area right now, trying to have more eye contact, put away/down/aside what I was working on, etc so that each of my 9 children feel that I am paying attention because they are important.
And the sleep thing is still in the works. We have just started an evening time of meditation with lights off and candles lit at 9pm with the dc (whoever wants to) and it helps prep us for sleep. No computers for anybody after 9 whether they meditated or not, so that’s another thing to help prep for bed. I know its helped me get to sleep easier the last few nights, although a family bed still means I’m not sleeping thru the night. But that will come in time.
Oh, Kat. When I saw the title of this post, my breath caught in my throat, and I uttered a silent “Thank you, Lord!” in the depths of my heart. I, like Melanie, struggle so much in this area. I have three children, 4, 2, and 5 months. My eldest is in a stage of completely ignoring me. The 2 year-old copies everything her big sister does. We often end in tears at my house, and I hate it. I desperately want to have a peaceful home, but it just seems so…elusive. I want to model Christ-like behaviour for my girls, because in our house, I’m the only Christian parent. And yet, day after day after day, I fail. Massively. Reading Melanie’s comment made me want to hug her, because I know EXACTLY how that feels. I enjoy reading your blog, but more than that I respect and admire it. I am encouraged by each and every post, but this one touched me personally. Thank you for ministering to this weary mum!
I tried to comment a few minutes ago, but think I may have deleted instead (multi-tasking
But–I love this post and how practical it is….
It also helps me to remember to “number my days”….meaning that no one knows how many days of life we have left, nor how many each of our children have (our daughter died in ’08). That kind of helps put things into perspective and refocuses me on how I want the kids to remember me (my words/demeanor) and also how precious each moment with them really is.
Also helps to pray before I even see them…in those 15-pre-kiddo minutes. And to memorize verses like James 1:19 & 20 “…for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”
Finally–so make myself apologize and ask for forgiveness when I lose it. Just had to do that last Friday morning.
Thanks for the post Kat.
Kara’s latest blog http://thechuppies.blogspot.com/
thanks for posting…patience is something i almost always struggle about being a mom to a toddler + sometimes i just feel terrible when i lose it. i keep on reminding myself that of course my son has a patience of a toddler and i keep apologizing to him telling him mom has a patience of someone who’s only been a mom for 17 months and he really needs to be patient with me…
Amen, Sister! Wonderful post. So true. One of your best! XOX
Thanks! I am going to re-read this before I start my day tomorrow. Thank you so much for all of your inspiration. This week, making the extra effort to do crunches and push-ups has really improved my energy level and thus my patience. I credit KAT for the inspiration to do them.
This is a GREAT, GREAT post!! I’ve actually been reciting James 1:19 to myself for several days now! LOL! I’m not a patient person and tend to get angry very easily. Especially lately – I have a two year old and a six month old who still wakes up 3-4 times a night to eat. Needless to say, I’m running on very little sleep. It’s SO hard for me to be cool, calm and collected when I’m so tired, but I feel like these steps, when you write them like this (very SIMPLY and matter-of-factly), are doable! Thanks for ANOTHER great post! Love this blog!
WONDERFUL thoughts Kat. Thank you so much for sharing them. I couldn’t agree more.
~heidi
p.s. I had some great feedback on a blog chat I started last week regarding anger.
http://www.wonderwomanwannabe.com/2011/02/wannabe-roundup-anger-what-to-do-when.html
Love love love it! And sleep and water are HUGE for me! but also? My KIDS’ sleep is huge for me. If they for some reason have a tough night trying to go to sleep and I don’t get my “me” time in the eveing it’s amazing how much less patient I am the next day. Anyway, thanks for the post. There a re few things here I will put into practice tomorrow.
I have only found your site these two days. I felt like it would be very helpful for me.
I really like this post, most of them are simple “instructions”, involves just physical change which make it easy to try, well at least for one day. But when it comes to the Wall of Jello — isn’t it the whole point I’m reading this post? It’s because I could not control my temper that I want more patience? Or, perhaps, I’m just blind-sighted by my own problem and there is other areas that having that patience could help?
Thanks Kat! Erik is away on business and I was tempted to stay up and watch tv after the girls went to bed last night for some “me time”, but knew I shouldn’t. I went to bed with them instead and am so glad I did! The baby had such a bad night that those first couple hours were the only good ones I got!
When grumpiness sets in, I try to take a 10 to 15 minute mini-nap. I got that tip from another mother of 3 several years ago, and it really helps refresh me.
These 5 reminders are so timely and helpful–and they explain why my week has not been going very well. Thanks for nudging us back toward simple wisdom, Kat.
While we’re on the subject of “losing it”….
Read this quote a few days ago and thought it was so good/true:
“Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in the cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man; it only show me what am ill-tempered man I am.” ~C.S. Lewis
Latest post: There are Rats in My Cellar
Hello, just found your blog through Lois (http://www.thoughtsalonglifeshighway.com/). This is a helpful post and has such good ideas. I am guilty of the “playing games til late to relax” myth and definitely don’t drink enough water. Two simple changes, that might make a big difference. Strange how sometimes, someone else has to point out what should be obvious!
As for the rest… I try to be patient and show my son the way to be a good person. I do try to listen, but often I am trying to think of/do too many things at once and he doesn’t get my full attention. I will try harder!
I love the “wall of jello” idea. It’s not easy, but I will try harder!
I already try to leave extra time, to avoid frustration. Not always successful, but I’ll keep at it!
Thank you for the inspiration. And to others who comment on how hard it is – yes, being a grown-up is not easy, nor is being a parent. Keep doing your best, keep prayerful, don’t give up – we all know it isn’t easy and no person is perfect. Do your best (because, as Roly Poly Olie says “that’s the best you can do”!).
Another tip I find helpful, is “Pick your arguments”. Sometimes, for everyone’s sake, it is better to let something go. You don’t need to pick up on every tiny transgression – it only causes massive stress for all involved and your child constantly feels hounded – not a good recipe for great parent/child relationships! Some things are not so hugely important and some are – Pick your Arguments!
Oh, Melanie…just like Bridget said, I’m right there with ya on this one. It’s so hard. It is hard for me with our four kids (one snotty 13yr old, a strong-willed 7yr old, and two mischievous preschoolers). You want to talk about disrespect? Mine are SO disrespectful – to ME. To my husband they are perfect, which really annoys me. Especially when he says, “I don’t know what YOUR problem is, they never do that with ME.” Ugh. I find myself hollering every time I need something done and they still ignore me. I don’t know what the solution is, either, but I envy those moms that “started from day one” with their kids and have total patience and receive utmost respect. I can tell you that I started out wrong. I made many, many mistakes and I know that’s what has brought us to this point…things like “stop or I’ll say stop again”…lol. Now it is seemingly impossible to fix it. The worst part is, I see my kids treating each other like we do and I fast-forward into the future and see them repeating the cycle with their kids. Not good. Not good at all. I pray and I seek help through Biblical child-rearing principles, but nothing has worked. At least it’s nice to know there are others in the same boat.
Bless you all,
Kelly
I love you!
Great checklist for parents — thanks for spelling it out.
My #6: eat some protein! Skipping meals makes mamas snippy. You can eat a spoonful of peanut butter or a piece of cheese or jerky or a handful of nuts in less than 30 seconds and feel better within 5 minutes.
What a great checklist. Thanks for this post… it was something that I needed to be reminded of today.
Thanks for the great ideas and reminders. I’m going to put them to test.
Love the jello wall concept!
Just a quick little note to say “Hang in there Everyone!” I’d like to give you all a pat on the back and point out that just by reading this post and leaving comments you are showing how much you care about your kids and how you TRY each and every day to be the best you can be FOR them. So in my book, you ALL get gold stars for the day! Kat – you get two for writing the post (thanks)!
As for me, I’m going to be LIME jello today and wake up my kids 10 minutes early so we’re not yelling at each other while we are walking out the door!
Thank you, Kat, for these great tips! I’m going to try them today!
One more tip to being more patient with our children is summed up in this quote, “No good parenting happens after 8 p.m.”
This is especially true of our younger children. Of course, it is linked to our being tired, but I realized our daughter became irrational and especially disobedient after 8 p.m. Once we made a commitment to have her in bed by 8:00, I noticed she and I were both happier. It also allows for time to focus on our older son, who doesn’t even begin to open up until the later hours. Our topics of conversation are not age-appropriate for our daughter, so it is vital to have this time with him. And, of course, once they are both in bed (9:00 sharp!), it’s time for just hubby and me!
Consistent bed times are another idea for helping us be more patient. I never thought I’d be a mom that operates on such a tight schedule, and I really don’t in many other areas, but bedtimes are non-negotiable!
Oh, I needed this! Great advice. ~K
I so struggle with patience…thanks for the great tips. I’m going to try these this week. I think the jello one is where I need the most work…and the multitasking…I’m always multitasking.
Thank you for this post…and all the comments! It is good to know I am not alone!! I often stay up too late to have some ‘me time’ and consequently start the next day late which frustrates me before my kiddos are even awake. I’m working on weeding out the things that keep me up and/or distract me during the day. The ‘wall of Jello’ idea is interesting. I have a hard time dealing with the emotional swings my kiddos experience but I’ve recently been reading about recognizing the validity of their emotions…even if it is not ok for them to be angry/sad/etc about a particular situation if I first empathize with them the correcting goes easier and I stay calmer. Easy to write, not so easy to stick with. Being a ‘good parent’ is not somewhere you arrive, it is a process always changing as we learn more and seasons of life change. I pray often that God will make me the mom He wants me to be and will raise up my kiddos to their full potential in spite of my failures. And I pray the same for those who have commented here facing similar struggles. Be blessed.
I too can completely relate to what Melanie said. I wake up every morning with a heart full of good intentions and often, eyes fixed on Jesus, and somewhere in the middle of breakfast little foxes creep into my vineyard (reference in Song of Solomon somewhere) and steal my grapes! Two things have been very helpful for me this year in learning to keep my patience, especially when baby number 3 joined us (and my oldest is 4):
1. Mentally taking a step back and asking, “What am I stressed about? Is it actually important?” (usually it has something to do with a clean house or being in a rush to get somewhere, both of which are not that important and can often be done quicker when I am cheerful with my kids).
2. Remembering that my job description is to DISCIPLE my kids and that they haven’t arrived yet…and never will. It takes the edge of when they do this…AGAIN, or that…AGAIN, or the other thing…AGAIN. Of course they do! Why do I keep expecting them to have arrived at obedience/willing heart/cheerful-giving perfection when often I am still none of those things?! Why am I surprised that they have sin natures? Of course they do! This is slowly, but surely, helping me become a more gracious, less reactive mom. Emphasis on the slowly.
I am so thankful God is totally into completing the good work he has begun…in me, and in all of us.
Thank you! I really needed to hear that. I’ve been stuggling with my bad parenting and often sit in bed crying while pondering my days events. I REALLY hate myself when my 2 year old loses it and I, in turn lose it right along with her. She doesn’t deserve my reaction and I didn’t know how to stop myself from reacting, until now. I will defintely be doing your 5 step challenge, starting now! My kids deserve a kinder, more attentive, and stable parent. When I got married I read a lot about how to make my marriage happy and last forever, and one of the things I learned was to never expect something out of my spouse that I wasn’t willing to do/give or wasn’t myself. I just never thought about applying that to my relationship with my kids too. But now that I think about it, it reallys makes sense. Thanks again for this inspirational article.
Thanks for this. I often put additional burdens on my sinful heart, forgetting that sleep, fluids, focus, timing can all help prevent the situation in the first place.
I never realized quite how selfish I was until I had kids. Now I’m trying to figure out the balance of modeling and teaching a Christ-like selflessness to my kidlets. It’s not easy…but then most things that are really worth it aren’t
Funny that this was this weekends post and I’m just reading it now on Monday. My toddler was truly testing my pregnant patience today – all morning and going into and during nap. Luckily I was able to “tune him out” during his nap time in order to recalibrate and recenter myself before I need to get him.
Wow! This post is a God-send!
I love a checklist! Can’t wait to try it out!
I feel myself turning into a monster when I’m sleep-deprived! Thanks for the simple reminders.
Kat,today I was angry with them for:
Taking too much time to get out the door
Being annoying when I was on my phone sending a text
Irritated with them b/c I was anxious to get to work….
You reminded me today to be like jello. I will give that a try!
Thanks so much
Wish I were patient ALL of the time, but I really struggle in that department. Thanks for reminding me how to stack the deck in my favor! I love it so much I am putting it in my Saturday Link Love post!
any advise for dealing with a totally disrespectful Supremely emotional 23 year old child? My DD has become more rude and disrespectful as she has gotten older, screaming at grandparents, and starting fights here at my home with me, I actually told her to leave my home and not come back until she apologises for her actions, now she denies it ever happened. Scary thing is , now she is expecting..
Amen!! Seriously, the transition times! I’m thinking in my head, “I’m on FIRE today! He’ll get to preschool early!”
By the time my key turns in the ignition 20 minutes have evaporated – poof!
Ok off to get my rest
Oh my, this post spoke to my heart this evening. I hopped over from Simple Mom and am so glad
I will try your steps beginning tonight, winding down to go to bed early at the moment! Thanks for the tips!
jello … meaning just aborb you childs emotions?.. and not get frustrasted when she screams all hours of the day and night… im a new mom to a 2 month ol dbby girl and she screams and cries all teh time. ive treid really hard not to be mean and annoyred with her. but it is frustrating being a mother and not being able to fx my childs pain. ive treid everyhing. nothng really works, i give gas medicine and everyting it works forabout 20 min. then its back to her screaming. this screming is beyond crying. she screams so much her voice is hoarse…. what should i do? ive already went to her dr. he said she was fine. but im her mom and i honestly dont belive that my child is “fine’ BABIES CRY YES they do not scream for days . and nothing you do subsides them .. please help..
This sounds like infant reflux…you’re in my prayers tonight.
Hailey,
While I never suffered with my own children, my nephew had colic HORRIBLY and I remember my poor sister-and-law nearly losing her mind with him crying all the time. He would do just what you described — barely taking long enough breaks to catch his own breath, let alone her catch her own. I remember she would call me and just be crying out on her deck, while I could hear him screaming inside. She has no more children to this day because of it; he is a 7yr old only child. I can tell you, you can walk away for a little bit and let your baby cry. As long as she is safe, changed/clean, fed, and all else is well. It hurts to not be able to fix it, I know. Like another commenter said, it very well could be infant reflux. If so, they can prescribe medication. If you are not confident in your pediatrician’s diagnosis, or lack thereof, then I would suggest a second opinion. See if there might be a pediatric gastrointestinal specialist. The hospital where you delivered would be a good resource to suggest one in your area. I hope, for your sake, you AND your baby can get relief. I know that it does get better. My nephew is the apple of his parents’ eye and a sweet little guy. I just know that my sister-in-law loves him dearly, but that time when he was newborn was almost all she could take. I’m so sorry – you are in my prayers tonight as well. Take care and rest when you can. Take small breaks for yourself whenever you are able! Even just for a few minutes at a time.
It could be acid reflux and medicine may help…my son had a minor case when he was an infant and the spitting up SUCKS and lasted until he was well over a year old.
But my best advice is to take her to a chiropractor who adjusts newborns. Sometimes that’s all that they need and it helps align everything and make her body back to it’s pre-birth state. Think about it, giving birth for you is traumatic on your body and you have to take care of yourself afterwards. It’s also traumatic on the baby’s little body. I’ve heard amazing stories of babies in the NICU being adjusted and making miraculous turnarounds and doing much better!
An infant massage may help as well. There are wonderful people who have a passion for little ones who will massage that little girl’s belly to help if acid reflux is the problem…or other places to find the problem elsewhere.
I’m planning on taking my little girl to the chiropractor just after she is born if we are dealing with anything like colic or acid reflux or spitting up.
Hope you can find a solution Hailey! Hang in there…it won’t last forever!!
Hailey,
My daughter was like this when she was an infant. We would pass her from one person to another. It can drive you to the end of your wits. We tried everything, thinking it was gas or reflux, or the wrong formula. Then my brother suggested we wrap her snuggly in her receiving blanket and lay her in her crib facing the bumper (just a few inches from it). I wanted to cuddle and hold her, but it turns out that this was overstimulating to her and she needed a quiet, dark room. She’s now 11…and too many activities (especially outside the home) makes her grumpy. She still needs regular down-times at home where she is free to relax by herself. Suprisingly, she is now my most affectionate child and likes to snuggle up next to me on the couch. I pray that God will help you find what works to settle your daughter.
-Deb
Oh Hailey, I was right where you are! My infant son screamed nonstop — if he was awake, he was wailing. We passed him back and forth, walked, rocked, drove, bounced, fed, changed, prayed, cried — nothing worked. Then one night in desperation we tried playing every cd we owned, one after the other. When we got to a random Johnny Cash cd someone had given us, our son stopped crying and listened as if mesmerized. Don’t know whether it was the deep tone of Johnny’s voice, the guitar, or what, but you’d better believe we ran out and snatched up every Johnny Cash cd we could find! He continued to fall asleep to Johnny Cash for years, and it was a huge joke in the church nursery because he always wanted the children to join him in singing “Folsom Prison Blues!”. I am praying for you tonight, Hailey — God will make a way for you to get through this!
Kat, there is a gold mine of information here. I especially like your advice about keeping cool when the kids loose it. My words and actions have the power to strengthen or calm the tornado of emotions! I want my words to stabilize the already unstable air.
Thank you for this!
Kat,
You’ve hit on some great keys. Not only for parenting your children but for growing in Christ. James 1:19-20 is the best way to learn how to love people who are hard to love in the body of Christ and even outside of the body of believers. Blessings to you for sharing wisdom from God’s Word.
my wife posted your link on FB. i am actually a stay at home dad. not sure if everyone agrees with a man in that role, but it where God has us right now. this post was great for me to read. it is basic but often times our failures happen when we avoid the basics. my brother called me yesterday when he saw a father being harsh with his children somewhere in public. he called to praise me for being a gentle father, but he might not know how i really am with my kids. fatigue and fear of not finishing some task often play a big part in how i treat my kids. today, i will try to be present and make sure that they know that they matter, that their misplaced toy being found matters more than the laundry getting done. soli deo gloria.
I’ve mastered the sleep and water, sometimes even the 15 minutes early. .. But my not jello. I’ll be working on that one day at a time! But not in my upped arms- those j can’t stand to bs jello!!:)
the list is perfect… thanks for sharing
This is something I really needed to read today! I’ve recently become a SAHM and I’m finding myself being extremely impatient with my toddler. She is 22 months and having a hard time adjusting to having a new baby sister who is almost a month old. She has begun her tantrums and is reverting back in some very baby-ish behavior and has become extremely needy. It is very frustrating most days because I’m trying to tend to a newborn and keep the house in decent condition and she will follow me around crying asking for a bottle or wanting to be held. Before I had the baby she wasn’t like this. So I find myself raising my voice on a regular basis with her and losing my patience when she acts out or gets into something she’s not supposed to. I feel bad b/c it seems like all my interactions with her throughout the day are mostly negative. I want to change this so I’m really going to try these tips. I also stay up too late and don’t get enough sleep. With a newborn I shouldn’t be compounding the lack of sleep by staying up past midnight every night! I also need to drink more water! Thanks for the post!
I did not understand the Jello part at first. But the other day, my eight-year-old son showed me. I did not remember what was the cause, I am sure I thought I had reasons, I was yelling to my oldest child. He went right to his room and closed the door. I was not happy with him running off like that. So, I ran up the stairs and open the door… and find him reading the Bible! Sometimes, God use the least expected teacher.
WOW! I found this from Ann V’s blog…I recently wrote something similar—God is speaking!
http://curiousgeorgi.blogspot.com/2011/05/five-things-that-make-or-break-your-day.html
This is my first time reading this blog, or any blog for that matter. It is encouraging to hear other honest believers out there sharing their lives and struggles.
I had a question… I would very much like to try these things, but I am a bar tender and obviously work very late hours. I know my schedule would be easier with a different job, but that is not going to happen for a while at least. How do I do my life even though I’m exhausted and there is not much I can do about it?
It was very encouraging to see other Moms struggling with the same issues. I have 4 children 8 y.o. and under and yes, we homeschool. I think that my children are the vehicles the Lord is using to change me. I have tried everything… recently what has really been working is a few of your 5 steps and praying for self-control. I realized that I couldn’t ask my children to do things like be respectful and exercise self-control if I couldn’t do it either. So now we pray together and remind each other of what we need to do. When we are getting upset, or beginning to yell or lose it, we remind each other gently ” to calm down” or ” Mom, you are starting to sound angry.” It’s been helpful. I am catching myself instead of going full blown into a tantrum of anger. Another thing that has helped me is to NOT think that my children are trying to purposefully make me mad. They are children. I also picture Jesus on the cross saying “Father, forgive them. They don’t know what they are doing.” So, I try to do the same.
Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done, but so worth it.
I love this blog! God had to have sent me here this morning! I”m not a patient person or able to get up early and i’m late for everything! I’m going to be making some changes with my habits! Thanks KATT! Everyone if you need some mary kay products check out my website, you can order and it’s sent directly to you from the company! Thanks! http://www.marykay.com/abonner78
I just did a google search of “how to have more paitence with your kids” and it led me here. I am a single mom of 4 year old twin boys. Oy! While they are such blessing, I have been so incredibly inpaitent with them the last 2 years. I am sitting here in my cubicle wanting to run get them from preschool, hug them, and apologize profusely for losing my temper this morning. I HAVE TO figure out a way to have more patience. Poo really does run downhill and I know that is what’s happening. I LOVE the idea posted earlier of implementing a “no yell zone”. My kids will love this. I think i am going to get some poster board tonight and put it up. Thanks for listening. Feeling like a really crappy mom today.
This is fantastic! So do-able and very true…thanks for the reminder!
Yep! One does neglect the fact that a person cannot outdo all tasks in a jiffy. One does have to choose the best one to prioritize and make do of it one at a time. Never overdo your efforts as it leads to being confused and hot tempered. A big yes on this tip you have!
A person needs to understand that he/she is a human. Not a robot that can do multi tasking at a second interval. A person would surely overload if one overdo the things that would take a human being time to discern the outcome. It would surely mess things up.
I would add my own observation: Don´t try to loose weight and be patient at one time. If you are hungry, you can not keep calm.
Great post, and very simple tips for doing one of the hardest thing in motherhood: keeping your cool. I have a much easier time of it now that baby #4 has joined our family, but I remember when babies #1 and #2 were very young, I had a huge crisis with that. The absorbing thing is great advice and something most moms learn to do, over time.
I love the be all there part! I have been known to text and “play” with my kids before GUILTY!
Katie,
Oh, me too! My goal is to really look my kids in the eye when I’m playing with them and talking to them. It helps me to see their adorable little faces and remember that they are SO much more important than that text or email I was about to send.
This list is great. You’re right it’s obvious but how many of us do all of these things. Not many I guess. I accept the challenge! I think the hardest part for me is the slow to speak bit. I need to pray that verse more. Thank you for this post!
Kat, I’m going through my “weekend links” posts from the past year, and I realized that I shared THIS POST twice. Clearly, I loved it A LOT!
Happy New Year!
This post just appeared on my Facebook wall and I am so thankful. Like Melanie and a few other moms paring, this is a huge struggle in our house. I’ve prayed so many times for a change by the holy spirit and yet I still battle this. I even just took a 10 day mommy vacation and within 24 hours of being home, it was back to “normal” in our house. Not a normal I want. I do need to remember to bury myself in God and do these 5 things. I want our house to become a home of peace for do many reasons and the biggest being that we are adding another precious little blessing in late August. This can not go on.
Thank you so very much for sharing. I’m going to give this the 24 hour try. I’m thankful we haven’t even had breakfast yet.
Annie,
We’ve all certainly been there! I hope these tips help.
This is a GREAT simplistic article. I so wish I could accomplish step 1. Baby #2 is 3 months old… and I didn’t sleep more than 4 hours at night while pregnant with him. I know all the above steps make me a better mom – and LOTS of prayer. Whew… prayer Lord.
Dede,
Prayer… Definitely!
Hope you’re able to get a good night’s sleep soon!
Great quote!
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